Introduction — Director’s Cut (Because the First Version Was Too Sober)*
Chapter 1 — The Tweaker Utility Belt: Apocalypse Edition
Chapter 2 — The Foil Hat Epidemic: A Movement in the Making
Chapter 3 — The Tweaker Stare: A Weapon of Mass Discomfort
Chapter 4 — The Tweaker Sleep Cycle (Or Whatever That Is)
Chapter 5 — Tweaker Transportation: Vehicles You Should Absolutely Avoid
Chapter 6 — Tweaker Communication: Decoding the Language of the Geetered
Chapter 7 — Tweaker Fashion: Runway of the Damned
Chapter 8 — Tweaker Tools: What’s in the Bag?
Chapter 9 — Tweaker Wildlife: Species, Subspecies, and Rare Sightings
Bonus Section — Tweaker Field Notes (Classified. Unredacted. Unnecessary. Unhinged.)
Copyright © 2026 by Sammie Settlemire
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system,
or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying,
recording, or otherwise—without prior written permission of the author, except for brief
quotations in reviews or critical articles.
This is a work of humor and satire. Names, characters, incidents, and dialogue are products
of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons,
living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. If you think you recognize
yourself in here… no you don’t.
Cover design by Sammie Settlemire
Interior design by Sammie Settlemire
Published by Sammie Settlemire
Printed in the United States of America
INTRODUCTION — Director’s Cut
(Because the First Version Was Too Sober)
Tweaker Apocalypse: Director’s Cut
by Sammie
Welcome to the end times.
Not the biblical ones — those would be easier.
I’m talking about the kind of apocalypse where a man wearing a foil hat shaped like a swan tries to sell you a broken vape and a conspiracy theory at three a.m behind a Dollar General. Why would you even have been behind there to see them at three a.m?
This is not a drill my friends.
This is not a simulation where you wear those simulation glasses and can be stopped at anytime.
This is not even the worst Tuesday I have personally have had. Let me tell ya I've had some bad ones too.
This is the Tweaker Apocalypse, and if you’re reading this, congratulations — you’ve survived long enough to need a field manual.
Or you’re about to.You havent yet? Well it is what you are doing literally right now.
Either way, buckle up.
Keep your hands inside the vehicle.
And if you see someone sprinting across a Walmart parking lot with a shopping cart full of “evidence,” do not — I repeat, DO NOT — make eye contact.
You will be drafted into whatever mission they think they’re on.
Why I Wrote This Book:
Because I’ve lived among the nocturnal, the geetered, the spontaneously sprinting, the glitter‑covered or bedazzled, the “I swear this rock is a diamond” or "gold" crowd.
I’ve seen things.
Things no human should see.
Things that made me question reality, physics, and whether God was on vacation when tweakers were invented.
I once watched a man argue with a “Wet Floor” sign and lose.
No lie, facts.
I once saw a woman wearing three pairs of sunglasses at night because “the moon was too bright.”
I once witnessed a tweaker try to fix a car with a spoon and a Capri Sun straw.
He almost successfully opened the straws wrapper.
And that was just Monday.I figure by Tuesday he just might getthe straw into the juice pouch.
What This Book Is:
This is:
- a survival guide
- a memoir
- a comedy special
- a National Geographic documentary narrated by someone who has absolutely given up on understanding humanity
This is the director’s cut, because the first version was too sober, too polite, and not nearly unhinged enough to capture the true chaos of tweaker country.
This version?
This version has teeth.
This version has glitter.
This version has a raccoon in the corner taking notes.
What You’ll Learn
Inside these pages, you’ll discover:
- why tweakers carry utility belts full of trash and trauma
- how foil hats became a movement
- why the tweaker stare should be classified as a biological weapon
- how tweakers travel using shopping carts, resurrected scooters, and pure delusion
- why their sleep cycle is less “sleep” and more “buffering”
- how to decode tweaker communication (spoiler: you can’t)
- the species, subspecies, and rare evolutions of tweaker wildlife
And yes — there will be Tweaker Field Notes in the back.
Because some things were too chaotic for the main chapters.
A Warning
If you’ve ever lived near tweakers, encountered tweakers, or accidentally made eye contact with one at a ridiculous time of morning/night this book may trigger flashbacks. Why were you out there at three a.m ? This is the question you asked youself the next day. Now traumatized with Tweeker Ptsd.
If you’ve never encountered tweakers…
Bless your heart.
You’re about to learn why the rest of us flinch when we hear a shopping cart at night.
This book is not meant to shame anyone.
It’s meant to help you survive the chaos with humor, honesty, and the emotional resilience of someone who has duct‑taped their life together more than once.
If you laugh, good.
If you cry, understandable.
If you start wearing a foil hat by chapter three…
I won’t judge you. First because I cant see you to judge you. Last I checked I did not have a gavel and robe in my possession, so who am I to judge you...
Welcome to the Tweaker Apocalypse.
Bring coffee.
Bring snacks.
Bring a Capri Sun straw for emotional support.
Let’s begin shall we.....