Why I Wrote This Book:
Because I’ve lived among the nocturnal, the geetered, the spontaneously sprinting, the glitter‑covered or bedazzled, the “I swear this rock is a diamond” or "gold" crowd.
I’ve seen things.
Things no human should see.
Things that made me question reality, physics, and whether God was on vacation when tweakers were invented.
I once watched a man argue with a “Wet Floor” sign and lose.
I once saw a woman wearing three pairs of sunglasses at night because “the moon was too bright.”
I once witnessed a tweaker try to fix a car with a spoon and a Capri Sun straw.
And that was just Monday.
What This Book Is
This is:
- a survival guide
- a memoir
- a comedy special
- a National Geographic documentary narrated by someone who has absolutely given up on understanding humanity
Now This is the director’s cut, because the first version was too sober, too polite, and not nearly unhinged enough to capture the true chaos of tweaker country.
This version?
This version has teeth.
This version has glitter.
This version has a raccoon in the corner taking notes.
What You’ll Learn
Inside these pages, you’ll discover:
- why tweakers carry utility belts full of trash and trauma
- how foil hats became a movement
- why the tweaker stare should be classified as a biological weapon
- how tweakers travel using shopping carts, resurrected scooters, and pure delusion
- why their sleep cycle is less “sleep” and more “buffering”
- how to decode tweaker communication (spoiler: you can’t)
- the species, subspecies, and rare evolutions of tweaker wildlife
And yes — there will be Tweaker Field Notes in the back.
Because some things were too chaotic for the main chapters.
A Warning
If you’ve ever lived near tweakers, encountered tweakers, or accidentally made eye contact with one at a ridiculous time of morning/night this book may trigger flashbacks. Why were you out there at three a.m ? This is the question you asked youself the next day. Now traumatized with Tweeker Ptsd.
If you’ve never encountered tweakers…
Bless your heart.
You’re about to learn why the rest of us flinch when we hear a shopping cart at night.
Final Note Before We Begin
This book is not meant to shame anyone.
It’s meant to help you survive the chaos with humor, honesty, and the emotional resilience of someone who has duct‑taped their life together more than once.
If you laugh, good.
If you cry, understandable.
If you start wearing a foil hat by chapter three…
I won’t judge you. First because I cant see you to judge you. Last I checked I did not have a gavel and robe in my possession, so who am I to judge you...
Welcome to the Tweaker Apocalypse.
Bring coffee.
Bring snacks.
Bring a Capri Sun straw for emotional support.
Let’s begin shall we.....