Stephan takes time to contemplate things…
Would I have an affair with her? The chance to touch that smooth skin glowing with a hint of sweat from the hot kitchen? How could I say no to those loving eyes that dive deep through my soul? I want to dare corruption of soft toffee-colored lips that speak with such gentleness.
But who am I kidding? I tossed the book aside. I buried my hands in my hair. I’m so full of it. I confess, I wouldn’t have the nerve. Mr. Ordinary Man isn’t the type to seduce a waitress or anyone. It is nothing that I thought I’d ever do.
Look at me! Look at my upper middle class life! I have everything that I’m supposed to want. I have a traditional house, a nice boat, a Lexus and a Mustang, as well as a pretty wife and a dog, even if it is a toothless Pomeranian named Contessa that urinates on the Berber carpet. I need my social standing, my stocks and my good job. Shall I go on? Is it worth it?
I felt restless. I threw on my blue ball cap with a slight oil stain from where I was working on my car and I headed to the door. The muggy night was momentarily besieged by the cool breeze and I enjoyed it. The darkness felt liberating. I jumped in my car and just drove. The lights from the cars whizzing by created a surreal world where I could escape to. For a moment, I belonged to nothing but this strange and lonely night. What do you really want, I asked myself? Times like this must have made ancient philosophers ponder the mysteries. But I’m no philosopher.
I pulled into a fastfood place and ordered some hot greasy fries and a soda. The scent stirred up childhood memories. There were baseball games, picnics, bike rides and fun summers. The whole apple pie thing.
I felt pretty content. I stuffed my gut with junk food and hoped all is well. Sometimes I think I want children and that maybe that will fill up the emptiness. Lisa doesn’t want kids anytime soon. We are both in our thirties and dedicated to our careers. I’m not sure we have room for them in our lives. Contessa is all the baby we have time for, and that isn’t much. She has been chewing my shoes with her gums and is angry that she isn’t causing much damage.
I pulled out a picture of Ana Avalon from my glovebox. It brought a smile to my face. Dreama gave me a picture of her sweet chubby-cheek baby. She is precious. I like knowing I’m doing something good for her. I help out with the formula. I do it because I can.
I finished the fries and washed down the last mushy one with a harsh soda. It was somehow soothing.
The night still beckoned, so I drove toward the Gourmet-to-Go. It is twenty minutes from my house. There is something about Norfolk that is tough, but real. There is nothing fake about it. It is an old city, yet raw and misunderstood. Most of the neighborhoods are being rebuilt and downtown is artsy with old money mingling with an ethnic flair. But it is also a Military city, so there is an aura of loneliness from separations. What becomes familiar becomes home, and sooner or later, you find out that you cannot leave. This area is a surrogate home to any wayward soul lost in the night. You don’t have to be perfect, just real.
I decided to take a ride through Dreama’s neighborhood. Nadine mentioned that she lived in the trailer park. To be honest, it surprised me. I never knew someone from there. I guess it is not a big deal. We all have to live somewhere, though I think it bothers Dreama. One day I overheard one of the customers talking. She had recently married a Navy man and moved to Norfolk from Spain. She had never seen a trailer park before. She asked if they were homes for circus performers. I could tell that Dreama was a little offended. She didn’t mention that she lived there.
The trailers were in neat rows. Each had a tiny yard, some with clotheslines, but the grass was neat and kept cut. Besides a few rusty sheds and a broken street sign, the park was fairly clean and unusually quiet. I wondered which one was hers. The one with a few hanging plants? The cream-colored one with toys on the porch or the lonely one in the back? The roof of one looked worn and almost as if it had been abandoned. In the distance, the silence was broken by a baby’s faint cry. Was it Ana?
I felt like a trespasser. I had never been in this area before. I barely even glanced at it except to think that it was an eyesore sandwiched between an interstate and a bustling business district. But it is where she lives. I don’t want to dwell on it. I just want to look at her face from a window, but I’m not sure where to try.
If not tonight, I will find her. I did have her crumbled telephone number tucked away in my briefcase. I never could bring myself to use it. I wasn’t sure what one of the numbers was, though I didn’t want to come across as a stalker either. I was merely curious.
That night, I laid down next to Lisa. Her back was to me. I stared at her shoulders and the thin white straps of her nightgown. I kissed her back. She seemed happy to see me and took me in her arms. It isn’t easy being human.