Try though she might, Esperanza couldn't go back to sleep. Or perhaps she had gone back to sleep, only to find that the cure was worse than the disease. As she drifted over the borders of consciousness, the creepy sensation only got stronger. Either "he" had glided effortlessly into such dreams as she had, or by dreaming she had entered his dimension and thereby blundered right into his clutches. Inky arms of shadow, darker than the night in which he lurked, had snaked all over her body, leaving a clammy feeling of violation in their wake. The covers had been useless, as had her eyelids.
She checked the time: 4:00. Instinct, hardwired by years of habit, took over. Almost as if Sophia had been anticipating this very moment, she had left another post only one hour ago. Another scripture, another song:
Hosea 10:12-13 "Sow to yourselves in righteousness, reap in mercy; break up your fallow ground: for it is time to seek the LORD, till he come and rain righteousness upon you. Ye have plowed wickedness, ye have reaped iniquity; ye have eaten the fruit of lies: because thou didst trust in thy way, in the multitude of thy mighty men."
She didn't want to agree with it, but the fight was getting harder to win with each new post and she was starting to think that anything was better than spending another five minutes with this...thing. She silently promised God that she would listen if He would only banish that unwelcome guest. He seemed to agree, as the temperature rose to a comfortable level and the fear dissipated. Honoring her word, she clicked "Fallow Ground" by Lamb
What can I do--do about you, Ephraim? / What can I say--say about you, Judah? / Your love is like a morning cloud / It quickly disappears / You must turn and reconcile / So I can wipe away your every fear / So I can wipe away your every tear
Didn't I watch--watch over you, Ephraim? / Didn't I take--take care of you, Judah? / All that I ask of you / Is that you follow me / And more than sacrifice / You seek the deeper truth of knowing me / You seek the deeper truth of knowing me
Lo, sow unto me righteousness / You've got to break up your fallow ground / Lo, then you will reap the fruit of love / You've got to break up your fallow ground...
As she had anticipated, it was indeed a very heavy, sorrowful tune. She didn't dare open her mouth and give voice to the sobbing that now shook her, but her eyes seemed determined to make up for the silence with water.
She saw her parents, who had done their level best up close, only to see her open the gates for the enemy they had narrowly defeated within themselves. Behind them she saw Lazarus, whose insight she had violently dismissed as "ignorance" and "privilege".
She had betrayed them all, and he in particular had seen it all coming decades in advance. If his foresight was a product of prophetic gifting, that made it spooky. If it wasn't, that made it even worse by marking her as depressingly predictable and therefore manipulable, and that on account of precisely what she was most proud of.
Her glory was now her shame. She had allowed her physical characteristics to govern her thought life, and they had teamed up to make a fool out of her. All that time spent trying to assert her specialness, only to brand herself as a living stereotype in the process. Was it even possible to defeat oneself more completely than that? It wasn't a fun thought, but at least now she could sleep.