Lately, I’ve been re-reading more of my Mom’s journal. As I delved deeper into the cryptic entries over the next couple of days, I started experiencing vivid nightmares and hallucinations, blurring the lines between reality and imagination. On several occasions, out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw something white becoming transparent like a ghost. I’m sure it was just exhaustion, but I felt like I needed to get a handle on this before I could face the other obstacles that were making my life difficult to navigate. I don’t know why, but thought this journal might hold some answers for me. I needed someone to help me with that. Someone like Koty.
My nemesis in the sky held a powerful, otherworldly force capable of controlling human destiny. I’m sure Koty’s mission was to protect this secret at all costs. Intrigued and terrified, I began to question my mother's involvement and my own past. Was there anything I should know?
To snap me out of my distressed mood, there was a knock at my door. I forgot that my friend Sara said she’d drop by to pick up some of my paintings for her shop. I opened my door and briefly had the urge to glance up, but I panicked at the thought of doing so. Why? What would be looking down at me? Before I could continue with that thought, my attention went to the bubbly blond dressed in pink. Even her sandals matched her outfit.
“I’m sorry, Sara. I forgot that you were stopping by today,” I confessed, while leading her inside my gray-tiled foyer. “Have a seat in the kitchen and I’ll make some coffee.”
The smiling woman who smelled of vanilla followed me to my kitchen, located to the left of the hallway. Her bracelets jingled as she walked. Always so stylish, she placed her boxy purse on the counter, making me wonder if it was a brand name. I never asked. While she settled into a white chair, I got the coffee brewing and then went to my studio to retrieve my latest works. I chose a few paintings that had finished drying. I carried them as if ashamed of them.
Fidgeting with my art, I confessed, “I’m not sure I’m happy with how these pieces turned out.”
“Let me be the judge of that,” she said, though seemed to pick up on my worries. She added, “You don’t seem your normal self. Are you okay?”
I hesitated, but told her, “I guess something is on my mind.”
“Tell me. You know that I’m a good listener.”
“Sara, I can't shake this feeling... someone or something is watching me. Ever since I started reading my mom's private journal, everything feels... different. Maybe I’m just feeling guilty for invading her privacy."
Concerned, the astute woman leaned closer as she spoke, “Neve, you've been through a lot with your mother and her absence is hard on you. Maybe it's just your mind playing tricks on you. But if this journal is affecting you so much, maybe you should take a break from it."
Shaking my head, I told her. “No, I can't. I need to understand what my mother was involved in. It's like... it's like there's a puzzle and I'm so close to figuring it out. But every time I get closer, I feel this... overwhelming fear."
"I can't imagine what you're going through, but you don't have to face this alone. I’m here for you. If I don’t have the answers, maybe we can find someone who understands these things better than we do, someone who can help.” Sara assured me, reaching out to hold my hand.
Sighing, I replied, "I appreciate it, Sara. Really, I do. But this is something I need to do myself right now. It's my fear, my past. I need to confront it head-on. I just... I just hope I can handle it. And I’m lucky that I have you willing to have my back."
I wasn’t about to mention Koty and having her think that I was deluded.
Sara gave a reassuring smile, showing her dimples, and added, “You’re stronger than you think, Neve. And remember, no matter what happens, you have people who care about you. I’ll be here if it gets too tough for you. We'll face whatever it is together. Just let me know what I can do."
“Thanks. I’m sure I’m making a lot out of nothing,” I explained, while turning to focus on my piles of painted canvas.
At that moment, Sara noted my gloomy subject matter, which was paintings of ominous eyes, shady figures and shadowy skies, and briefly frowned, but told me, “I’ll display them, but really, this small town eats up nature scenes and pretty baskets of fruit.”
“I’ll do a few of those next time.”
“Deal.”
After we agreed on prices to sell them for, I changed the subject and we chatted about her car troubles and gossiped about some old friends. We both needed a little small talk and a slice of coffee cake to raise the mood. After that, everything seemed like it would be okay and we parted feeling reassured that I wasn’t succumbing to a dark state, or worse, like my mother.
Realizing that I had gotten to a potentially worrisome place inside, I decided to put my mother’s journal back on the shelf. It would only open old wounds and I didn’t need that right now. I guess I wasn’t ready, like I had hoped. I even spent the evening painting happier themes. In truth, I felt much better. If only, I could stay in that space. I’m sure delving into the past wasn’t a good idea.
Eventually, Koty got back to me, wanting to know more about the contents of the journal, but I quickly wrote:
Dear Koty,
I think I need to step back. This subject is a nightmare for me. I have to pretend that it doesn’t exist or I’ll face ridicule and questions of my sanity. What a cruel system is set up for those like me! We are forced to stay quiet and alone. Or we pay the price.
I want to write more, but I can’t. Tell me it was all in my mind. I can’t accept a different reality, so tell me it isn’t real. Don’t let me down. I’ve come undone by all of this. Forget what I said in other emails. It doesn’t matter now.
All the Best,
Neve
As I shut my computer, I swear I saw a shadow pass by my living room window. Terrified, I made sure all of the doors were locked and I turned out my lights. Maybe whoever it was would think that I was asleep. But I sat up waiting…just in case something sought to target me. Luckily, the night passed without any incident, so I could pretend that everything was normal once again. That forbidden subject stayed out of my thoughts for the rest of the night.
Koty read Neve’s message on his cellphone while walking by her house. It was a charming old house. In need of some upkeep, it had the potential to weather many storms just like she had had. That was a good sign. But it sat in a dark corner, away from street lights. Too many bad things could happen. He’d at least suggest flood lights and a well-lit walkway, though it wasn’t his job to intervene more than he had.
With a few clicks, he erased her email and sighed with relief. At least, he didn’t have to threaten or coerce her to leave things alone. There were several ways he could have gone about it. At first, he just wanted to get a sense of what, if anything, she remembered, and take care of that. Now, he’d watch and wait for the time being. But that door had been opened and part of him didn’t want it to close just yet.
He hesitated in the dark, hoping to catch sight of her through the window. Then he checked his watch and decided to go. All seemed well. Maybe the worst was finally over.