Later in the week, I had a bit of cabin fever. Needing to get out and about, I put on a gray jacket and pulled the hood over my long hair. Incognito. In the dead of night, I walked the streets of this semi-rural town while it softly rained. Up ahead, hilly pastures and wooded lots gave way to convenient stores and a few rows of newer houses. Painted purple, blue or white, they each had a unique charm, unlike the cookie-cutter suburbs. It felt more unique and a place for a person like me, who didn't normally fit in anywhere.
It is easier when I can't see the sky. An unknown terror threatens, yet I feel alive. With my observant mind, I took in the details of my stroll with a curious nature, touching danger like a livewire. My buzzing soul came alive. I dared anything to jump out at me, but certainly relieved when nothing did.
With a switchblade in my pocket as well as pepper spray, I felt prepared to deal with any potential threat. To add to my confidence, I thought I was alone. I don't trust anyone. But movement and a scraping sound on gravel caught my eye. I turned to face the noise. A gruff man in a flannel jacket, dragging his trashcan to the curb, said "smile" as I walked by, but I scowled and lowered my head. I'm supposed to be happy and friendly when I have to often run for my life when I'm out walking alone and yet get advice on strangers how to be more approachable, though I'm having a hard enough time trying not to get raped or murdered as it is. I'm sure he'll never understand that. And maybe I'm a little paranoid, but it keeps me alive. My frown only made him shake his head, as if it was my fault that I can't trust people.
Since I was already outside, I decided to pick up a few things nearby. The convenience store was open a block away, so I headed that way, trying to be brave. I guess I was a little anxious. Though I walked among customers with eyes down and shoulders up, I longed to meet the gaze of someone I cared about. It didn't happen. No one paid me any attention, so I weaved my way through a crowd of strangers as if I'm invisible. They don't interest me anyway. To me, they seem just lumps of flesh taking up space and time. They don't have a place in my orbit, so I kept to my tasks and didn't draw attention to myself, as if I'd never been there. I'm less nervous that way.
In my black floral dress and combat boots, I brushed through my brunette locks with my fingers, though I'm sure I looked feral and ready to lash out. I'm told that I'm sweet. Maybe I just hold too much in. What do you think? And if you know, tell me. Who should be in my orbit? I'm hoping to pull someone in, even if I'm resisting it a bit.
When it was my turn, I paid for some sodas and chips. I sighed with relief when I'm back outside the store and alone again. For a moment, I pressed myself against the brick wall and composed myself. I needed to feel something solid. Rain fell a little harder. After a deep breath, I head out again into the darkness. But I don't look up.
I started to wonder if Koty might be able to help me with my troubles. But I already ruined that. Didn't I? That truth hurts. I didn't have the strength or the know-how to face this alone. Why did I sabotage the chance for help? Who else did I have? Sara didn't understand my predicament. Only Koty did. But I guess I was just too scared. Plus, I have a lot of worry and pain regarding my mother.
Okay. Let's talk about Helen Wells. For several months, my mother had been in a mental facility on and off. Now, on again. I had a hard time with that. And with other unspoken things. Let's be honest. Maybe she wasn't wrong about what she saw. But who would have listened to her? I tried.
I know these things shouldn't be talked about. I think in other countries I would have been killed by now. Usually when governments notice you, it isn't a good thing. See nothing. Say nothing. I have no doubt that they see me. What do they want? I don't have a clue, but it can't be good.
Spooks hiding in bushes zero in on you, trying to see if you are a threat to the rich and powerful. I'm just a working class nobody. Maybe that's why no one smothered me yet. I have no doubt that they are there. Sight unseen. I treaded carefully on my way home. The lonely road gave up no secrets.
Once inside, I quickly shut and lock the door. I let out a deep breath. Time to relax for a bit.
While drinking my soda and crunching on chips, I attempted to zone out in front of the TV. It should have been a boring night. Fate had other plans. Waiting for me was a message from Koty. My heart skipped a beat. I had to force myself to open it.
Neve,
I'm sending you a quick note to see if you need someone to talk to. After your last message, I understand that you might need some time to acclimate to this controversial subject. I also realize that there is great difficulty that experiencers go through as well as the needing to distance from the subject completely. On the off chance that you do want to stay in contact, feel free to. I'm here, whether today or a year from now. No pressure. I'm just keeping the door open. Sometimes, that is what we all need, just knowing that someone out there is holding space for you.
Take care,
Koty
Wow. He either meant it or he was a master manipulator. Probably the latter. But it sure sucked me right in. I haven't had a good history with men, so I'm cautious, yet hopeful. My heart swelled.
Years ago, I dated a bank CEO once; let him hurt me. Dressed in an expensive suit, I hope that meant that he was a nice guy. He happened to be married or so I believed. I never asked. I thought I could play the game, but I couldn't. I wiped off his grime along with my tears. Afterward, he pulled out his wallet. It felt like a punch in the gut. He actually thought that I was interested in his money and just saw me as a whore. When he saw my frown, he put the wallet away and headed out the door, leaving me to my wounds. After all, I naively thought that it was more than a transaction. I wanted a relationship, but I wasn't on his level and he made that clear to me.
Koty contacted me again, sent me an email. He probably wanted my shadows, my secrets, but maybe they are just for me. Wouldn't aliens contact him if they wanted to? Why hadn't they? Or did they? He is a shadow collector and I'm just a woman sitting with my own shadow. That is of little comfort.
Should I trust him? Every fiber of my being says, "No." But he stands in the doorway of what I want to know. My choice is facing that or nothing, so I wrote him back; just a quick note. It said:
Thanks, Koty. I'll keep your offer in mind.
All the Best,
Neve
Plain and simple. I wanted to say so much more, but I wasn't ready yet. Besides, I had a day planned with Sara.
She came by and we went out to eat. Dressed in a playful purple, she always had a way to make me smile. We went to a popular spot in town. There, we had a few laughs while watching people. At the same time, hot and salty comfort food soothed me. What more could I ask for? It was nice to feel like a regular person for a while. But at night, I returned to an empty home. That's when I realized that I needed someone else, so I wrote Koty back.
Koty,
You've been very kind and I appreciate it. I wanted to thank you. I guess you aren't what I expected.
Sincerely, Neve
Just moments later, he responded. He sent me his phone number. OMG. That kind of raised my anxiety level. He wanted to talk to me? What would I say? My lips would never speak what my mind sought to erase. I went onto my porch. Fresh air might help my panic. I wanted to run, but where? Darkness felt thick, like I wasn't alone. Have I ever been?
Don't look up! Don't look up!
In a brief moment of bravery, I glanced up at the shimmering moon emerging from clouds and had to break the enchantment I felt, because of the sense of dizziness overcoming me. I had to ground myself again and breathe. Soon, something had to give; one way or the other. I daydreamed that Koty arrived like a brave knight, offering to guard me while I faced what awaited above. In reality, I knew that I had to carry my own sword and to be my own hero.