Chapter 6: The Great Valentine's Day Disaster

7:18 PM — Valentine's Day

Hal was enjoying a romantic dinner with his wife.

There were candles.

Soft music.

A nice bottle of wine.

For once, Hal wasn't thinking about Kyle and Methanny.

Life was good.

Then his phone rang.

Hal looked at the screen.

DESERT BLOSSOM POLICE DEPARTMENT.

Hal sighed.

"Son of a bitch."

He answered.

"Hal."

It was Clara.

"Hal, you might want to be seated for this."

"I am seated."

"Good."

There was a pause.

"We've got a caravan broken down in front of the Main Street Diner."

Hal frowned.

"Okay."

"You need to go."

"Why?"

"It's Kyle."

Hal closed his eyes.

"Of course it is."

"And apparently the caravan isn't accustomed to being used as a caravan."

Hal paused.

"What?"

"I don't know, Hal. Just go."

Hal stood up.

His wife looked at him.

Hal sighed.

"I'm going to Kyle's."

7:46 PM

Hal pulled up to the Main Street Diner.

At first, everything looked normal.

Then he saw the coyotes.

There were forty-three of them.

They were sitting in the street.

Not moving.

One was lying on its back.

Two were sitting underneath a parked car.

Several were staring at the diner.

One was wearing a Valentine's Day bow.

Hal got out of the cruiser.

He stared.

Then he saw Kyle.

Kyle was standing in the middle of the street holding a child's red wagon.

"Kyle."

"Officer Hal!"

Hal pointed at the coyotes.

"What the hell is this?"

Kyle smiled.

"Caravan."

Hal looked at the wagon.

Then the coyotes.

Then Kyle.

"That's a wagon."

"It used to be a train."

"Where's the caravan?"

Kyle pointed at the coyotes.

"Right there."

Hal stared.

"They aren't moving."

"I know."

"Why?"

"They aren't accustomed to being in a caravan."

Hal slowly nodded.

"Of course."

Kyle looked concerned.

"I think they broke down."

Hal stared at him.

"Coyotes don't break down."

"These did."

One coyote stood up.

Walked six feet.

Sat back down.

Kyle pointed.

"See? It's trying."

Hal looked at the animal.

"Trying to do what?"

"Caravan."

Hal closed his eyes.

"Fuck my life."

A woman suddenly came out of the diner.

She wore a conductor's hat, a long black dress, and a blond wig.

She carried a crystal ball.

Hal looked at her.

"Who are you?"

"I am Mamie St. Maarten."

Kyle nodded.

"Mother Magdela."

Hal looked at her.

"You're the psychic train conductor?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

She stared at him.

"Why what?"

Hal gestured helplessly.

"All of this."

Mother Magdela raised her crystal ball.

"The coyotes are spiritually blocked."

Hal looked at the coyotes.

"They're physically sitting in the road."

"Exactly."

Hal sighed.

"Of course."

Methanny suddenly burst out of the diner.

"HAL!"

Hal turned.

"No."

"I have something!"

"No."

She was carrying a large box.

Hal looked inside.

Fireworks.

"Methanny."

"It's for the caravan."

"No."

"It's the Valentine's Day departure ceremony."

"No."

"It's going to be beautiful."

"No."

She lit one.

Hal's eyes widened.

"Methanny—"

She threw it.

The explosion was enormous.

BOOM.

The diner's front windows blew outward.

The neon sign went dark.

The Valentine's decorations fell from the ceiling.

The fire alarm started screaming.

The sprinklers activated.

The coyotes scattered.

The red wagon caught fire.

The diner's awning collapsed.

Water poured across the dining room.

The owner came running outside in his apron.

"My Valentine's buffet!"

Hal stood completely still.

He was soaked.

He looked at Methanny.

She looked at him.

"Happy Valentine's Day?"

Hal stared at the destroyed diner.

Then at the coyotes.

Then at Kyle.

Then at Methanny.

"Fuck my life."

Kyle looked at the wreckage.

"That went worse than I expected."

Hal turned toward him.

"You expected this to go well?"

Kyle thought about it.

"Honestly?"

"Yes."

"No."

Hal nodded.

"Good."

Mother Magdela suddenly wandered toward a folding table.

She picked up a little plastic bag.

Hal watched her.

"What is that?"

"Peyote."

She poured some into her hand.

Hal grabbed the bag.

He read the label.

GROUND CINNAMON.

He stared at it.

Then at Mother Magdela.

Then at Kyle.

"Kyle."

"Yeah?"

"This is cinnamon."

Kyle looked at the bag.

"Oh."

"What did you think it was?"

"Peyote."

"It says cinnamon."

Kyle shrugged.

"Looks similar."

Mother Magdela had already eaten some.

She closed her eyes.

"I can see the universe."

Hal sighed.

"You ate cinnamon."

"I can hear the ancestors."

"You ate cinnamon."

"I see the great spiritual railway."

"You ate cinnamon."

Mother Magdela threw her arms into the air.

"I AM ONE WITH THE COSMOS!"

A firefighter looked at Hal.

"Is she with you?"

Hal nodded.

"Unfortunately."

Hal looked at Kyle.

"Kyle."

"Yeah?"

"I'm taking you in."

Kyle sighed.

"Again?"

"Yes."

"But it's Valentine's Day."

Hal pointed toward the diner.

"You destroyed a restaurant."

Kyle looked at the wreckage.

"Fair."

Hal looked at Methanny.

"You too."

She nodded.

"Okay."

He looked at Mother Magdela.

"And you."

She looked at him.

"I am currently traveling through the astral plane."

Hal pointed toward the cruiser.

"Travel there."

9:21 PM

Kyle, Methanny, and Mother Magdela sat in the back of Hal's cruiser.

The forty-three coyotes had been rounded up.

The Main Street Diner was closed.

The red wagon was melted.

The crystal ball was in an evidence bag.

The cinnamon was sitting on Hal's dashboard.

Kyle leaned forward.

"Officer Hal?"

"What?"

"Do you think the caravan will work tomorrow?"

Hal stared at the road.

"No."

Kyle nodded.

"Okay."

A pause.

"What about llamas?"

Hal slammed both hands onto the steering wheel.

"NO."

Mother Magdela raised her hand.

"I see llamas."

Hal closed his eyes.

"I'm retiring."

Kyle smiled.

"Happy Valentine's Day."

Hal sighed.

"Happy Valentine's Day."

He drove toward the jail.

The Honeymoon Suite was waiting.