IT’s ON the CeiLING!
by JCB
“Yo. What’s up, Lori?”
“Benji, I need you to come over right now.”
Ben sits up straighter upon hearing Lori’s hushed tone. “What’s wrong? Is something happening?”
She frantically whispers, “There’s a ginormous cockroach on my ceiling!”
Cue Ben’s first blank, no-nonsense look. He drawls, “You want me to come over ‘cuz there’s a cockroach on your ceiling?”
“Yeess!”
“What am I, your simp boyfriend?”
“Yes!”
Ben springs up on his bed. “Yes?! When did I become your boyfriend?”
“The moment a FREAKin GInormous cockROACH decided to terrorize ME from MY ceiling!” She lets out a few whimpers.
Cue Ben’s second blank, no-nonsense look. He settles back on his bed, and a harsher tone seeps into his voice. “I’m not coming over because you have a cockroach vibing on your ceiling. Let it experience a new perspective on the world.”
“You’re sympathizing with the cockroach?” Lori can’t believe what she’s hearing and would say more, but a text notification pops up and captures her attention. She puts Ben on speaker before she replies to the text.
“It’s a cockroach, Lori, not a demon. Stop whisper-yelling.”
“Benjiii,” Lori screeches and shoots up like bread out of a toaster from her couch.
“Wha-uu-t?” he asks, already done with this conversation.
“It disappeared! I don’t know where it went!” Panicking, she scans her living room; her eyes bulging like a madwoman.
“This is what you get for not killing it while you could see it.”
“What do you MEAN I should’ve killed it?! What do YOU not underSTAND about IT’s ON the ceiLING? How was I supposed to do that when it was on the ceilingggg?!”
“Well, now it’s going to lay eggs like mad.”
Lori snaps, “You think I don’t know that.”
“Get your dog to sniff it out and kill it.”
“Do you not understand how ceilings work?” Lori questions him in a rather degrading tone. “Is Mister Fluff part Spider-Man?”
Ben sighs. “You said you don’t know where it went. It probably got down from the ceiling then if it’s not in plain sight anymore. Let Mister Fluff loose.” Here’s the thing, the name Mister Fluff is really deceptive, more so considering his name is properly pronounced Mister Fwuoof. The first time Ben met Lori’s dog, Lori had called out to him while the two of them were sitting in the living room. Ben was too shocked to move when he saw the Tibetan Mastiff bulldozing its way over before lunging onto him.
“No,” Lori says, showing semblance of a person in a normal everyday situation. “Mister Fluff is happily snoozing.”
“Just wake up your dog, and get it over with,” he mutters.
“I told you, no,” she repeats.
“So, you’ll bother someone who lives a good ten minutes away from you, but you won’t bother a resident in your own home who could get the job done quicker?”
“Stop asking questions and get your butt over here.”
Screw you, Ben thinks, but of course he’d never say such a thing to Lori. Ben’s tone is like dragging his feet when he says, “It’s 9 at night, Lori, and I have an exam tomorrow.”
Lori says in a tone like conspiring, “It’s hunting me down. I swear, Ben. It’s. Hunting. Me. Down.”
“So?” Ben has lost practically all interest.
“Benjjjjjiii,” she wails.
“Looooriiiii,” he mimics her. “Just focus on something else.”
“But… it has my computer….”
Cue Ben’s wide-eyed blank expression. “How does a cockroach have your computer?”
“Because that’s where I last saw it.”
Cue Ben’s third blank, no-nonsense look. “I’m going to hang up now.”
“No!” Lori yelps.
“Lori, just unsee it, and get your computer.”
“I caann’ttt.”
“This bug has already taken up precious moments of my study time and has caused you emotional stress. Are you really just going to let it take your computer now too?”
“Yes,” Lori says like there is obviously no other answer.
“Heaven’s sake,” Ben says exhausted, “get your damn computer and leave me alone.”
“Okay, okay,” Lori agrees, finally noticing how agitated she’s made Ben. “Just, stay on call with me until I do, okay?”
Ben grunts his consent. He listens to the rustling of the phone as Lori moves to retrieve her computer. After hearing her breathing get louder, he asks, “What happened?”
“I encroached his territory and then ran away.”
His territory? This is not going how he hoped… and yet, the image of Lori scurrying away from an ‘invisible’ cockroach makes him choke back a laugh. “Why?”
Lori slowly explains, “I thought… if I unveiled where it was hiding, it would launch itself at me.” Ben has to choke back another laugh as he imagines a cockroach being sent hurtling at Lori as if it was being shot out of a cannon. Suspicious of the silence on his end, she stresses, “Benji.”
“Right,” he says recovering an even tone, “cockroaches head straight for one’s mouth when they fly. It reminds them of their homes.”
“They what?!” Lori screams in an octave he never heard before this. He starts laughing tremendously. She snaps, “This is no laughing matter.” She racks her mind if there are any Halloween costumes with masks lying around the house.
Ben composes himself. He won’t tell her, but he was in need of something de-stressing and entertaining like this. If Lori cared for him more, he could see her doing this to lift up his spirits, which always suffer during exams. His voice is warm and hearty when he says, “Just get your computer already.”
Lori blows a frustrated breath out her lips. “Easier said than done.”
“They’re speedy suckers. Why would he stick around when he can get jiggy with some chunky missus?”
Lori quickly spins on her heels and wails, “I didn’t need to hear thaaaattt.” Second attempt to retrieve her computer: FAIL.
Ben smiles to himself. Perhaps that was a bit sadistic of him to mention. He should really help her now. “Go get a broom or dust brush and prepare to smack it.”
“But I still don’t know where it isssss.”
“So, just grab your computer and hide in your bedroom. If the cockroach shows itself, smack it with the broom. Not your computer though, please don’t destroy it in a panic.” Ben is starting to think he might actually have to go over to Lori’s for him to get back to studying.
“He has the advantage.”
“I know, I know.” Ben feigns sympathy. “That’s why you have your dust brush or whatever so you can poke randomly to see if he’s there. Do you have your dust brush?”
Lori shakes her head because the cleaning supplies is near where the cockroach was last seen too. She lies about it and scurries toward her computer. Ben continues to talk over the phone, but her focus is on her laptop. Her hands are above her computer. The computer is basically hers!
A dark spot appears on the side of her laptop, and Lori immediately shrinks away. A good three-four feet away, she looks back. No movement. She mentally winces, realizing it was probably only a shadow. Despite her building feelings of frustration, she stalls, “But what if poking at him makes him angry, and he jumps at me.”
“You’re forgetting he’s a bug. You’re a giant to him and something to fear.”
“But I’m afraid of him, and you’re telling me to attack.”
Ben opens and closes his mouth. He’s reminded of why he side-steps any debate with Lori: her absurd reasoning is almost logical. Should he suggest she spend the night with solely her cell? Does she really need her laptop in the first place? No, new tactic. She needs a retreat with dignity. “Are you going to let that cockroach step all over you, Lori?”
“I would never!”
“Then get your laptop before it thinks it can take over your room.” Ben nearly bites his tongue. Did he end on a note that would terrify instead of rally her? “Lori?”
Lori encroaches the last area where the cockroach was seen. She bends at the waist and checks the underside of the table. Nothing. She scans the perimeters around her computer. Still nothing. She snatches the laptop, runs like crazy to the couch, and rotates and rotates her laptop making sure she didn’t miss any exoskeleton monster: ALL CLEAR.
Ben repeats her name again, hoping this is it. Lori squeals. “I got it! I got it, Benji! I got it!”
Ben smiles. “Way to go. Now to kill the sucker.”
“Sure… once you get over here.”
Ben shakes his head. “Just go to your room and live in ignorant bliss.”
“That’s what I intend to do,” Lori says.
They bid goodnight and hang up. Lori releases a big exhale on the way to her room. She can finally relax. She decides to give Benji the last of her bath bombs to show her appreciation. Ugh, should she grab a pint of peanut butter ice cream before hiding away in her bedroom…. There’s a cockroach… on her bed.
It’s on the bed! “Benjjjiiii!”
Her laptop is left, abandoned and cracked on the floor.