The Metaphysical Menace Series

One text message. One spiritual catastrophe. Two hundred and eighty-eight bundles of sage. And one very, very tired boyfriend.

Daniel thought dating Akira, a gorgeous visual kei twink with immaculate eyeliner and a flair for the dramatic, would be relatively normal. He was wrong.

When a conversation with an acquaintance leaves Akira convinced that his spiritual cultivation has regressed and his very soul is shivering, Daniel makes the obvious suggestion: block the guy and move on.

Unfortunately, Akira is a Sagittarius, Mercury is retrograde in Scorpio, and blocking someone is apparently a primitive response to a sophisticated metaphysical emergency.

Enter Master Nishihama, a specialist in visual kei twink spiritual crises, who prescribes a thirty-five-and-a-half-hour purification retreat in a rustic mountain cabin. The shopping list includes aquamarine crystals, living lavender plants, shamanic rugs, unfiltered seawater, and a horse to transport their profoundly unimpressed cat, Mochi.

Then there are the scallops. Nobody knows why there are scallops.

As Daniel struggles to procure increasingly inexplicable supplies, his boyfriend's spiritual emergency attracts a suspiciously helpful mountain lion, a culinary experiment involving exactly one-tenth of a potato, and the possibility that the entire universe has personally declared war on their household.

Daniel loves Akira. He really does.

But love has its limits, particularly when the grocery budget has been sacrificed to the cosmos and nobody can explain what the scallop tears are for.

My Vkei Twink Boyfriend Is Having a Spiritual Crisis is an absurdist relationship comedy about supernatural nonsense, excessive sincerity, and the exhausting logistics of loving someone whose soul shivers at the slightest inconvenience.

Sometimes love conquers all.

Sometimes you just have to triple the sage.