It had been quite the rollercoaster, to say the least, and the things Esperanza had learned would take a while to settle completely. Signs and wonders? Resurrection? Lazarus and Sophia, working in tandem through similar yet opposing gifts to reach her in the middle? Herself as the lost Hope? It was true that "hope" was the literal meaning of her name, but still...
Was she really worth all of that trouble, all of those extraordinary measures? Her soul said no, but her newly reawakened spirit argued that it was God who had the final word and His answer had been yes, so she might as well let the shame go and accept the verdict, however little sense it made to her. But knowing this, how was she to guard against pride? Pride had been a large part of her problem before, so she didn't want to take any new risks with it. Just then, she got the urge to scroll. Sure enough, there it was. Just as Jesus had promised, Sophia was there to help.
Psalm 51:6-14: "Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice. Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee. Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness."
It was all there: the desire to be clean, the invitation to purge, the need for Him to be close, the restoration of that which had been squandered. This was a great help all by itself! But of course, there was still more: "I Want to Change" by Russ Taff. That sounded promising. With bated breath, she clicked.
Lord, You know my past / Like clay, the pains of life have molded me / The years have brought so many things / From examples I could see / Some good, some bad, they're all a part of me / But I see my selfish motives and my inconsistencies / And block upon block, the wall was built complete / Oh, please come and break the wall down / And show this captive heart how to be free
I want to be like You / I want to change / And not be trapped in the patterns my life has set for me / I want to be like You / Please help me change / Into what I was meant to be / Until all I can clearly see / Is a loving reflection of You in me
Teach me to forgive, letting go of hurts I hide behind / Facing all of the things in me I bury deep inside / As Your healing love brings all of them to light / Let my life be an example of what true life can be / When it's given like a gift to those who need / Oh, please come and take control of this yielded, willing soul and live through me...
It was the proverbial key in the lock. By the second iteration of the chorus, she was a glorious mess, and when the trumpet sounded, her spirit sang with it. The process might be a long one, not without its bumps, but now she felt strong enough to tackle it. Gone was the fear and the doubt. Grace had filled the cracks in her foundation. Now she could build.