On the rare occasions Lynn found Avril alone in the dining room—without her lover and his dog in tow—she always seized the opportunity to catch up. When Avril wasn't stationed in the command center or out on maneuvers with her unit, she was almost always glued to Jimmy. Lynn strolled over to the table where Avril sat and invited her back to her quarters. The guys were off on another patrol, this time accompanied by Merc and Sampson. It was the first time Jimmy and Griff had invited Merc along, and Lynn hoped it was a sign that the three were finally adjusting to life as teammates. As they walked back to the Holy Trio's room, their conversation was light and easy. They settled in at the small table where they had already spent countless hours mulling over ideas.
"You have gray in hair," Avril said, staring at the top of Lynn's head, and then leaned in to inspect the silver hairs that slightly blended into the blond.
"Christ," Lynn spat, lunging to yank her personal pack from under the bed. She whipped out her comb and mirror, hunting down the offending strand. "It's difficult enough running this kind of business as a woman. Can you imagine how much harder it gets once you look like an old woman?" Glaring at the streak of gray on her scalp, she sank back into her chair at the table.
"Is that all?" Avril laughed. "You are not vain?"
"It doesn't matter what people think of me outside of my job," Lynn brushed her blond hair over the gray, continuing to look into the hand mirror. "I can fix my face, but I've never attempted to dye my hair before. I hope there's nothing to it." She said, eyeing her friend as she laid the mirror face down on the table.
"Does gray concern you about Griff?" asked Avril, taking the mirror from where Lynn had laid it and looked at herself before turning back to Lynn.
"It should," Lynn sighed. "I'm twice his age."
"This means nothing," Avril said poignantly. "Problem will solve when you talk to him."
"NO!" Lynn responded immediately, her eyes reflected her panic. "Please don't make me regret opening up to you."
"Never," Avril's face softened. She put down the mirror and faced her friend fully. "Never will I betray you."
"Thank you," Lynn took a relaxed breath. Her demeanor returned to her normal self-assured self. "This is just a mile marker into middle age...as long as my skin elasticity remains controllable."
"Americans have narishkeyt problems," Avril reflected. Would she truly fit in with Jimmy in the United States? Life in Israel seemed so much less complicated, leaving her to wonder if she could endure a nation of such silly people. But then again, who was to say if either Israel or the United States would even exist for much longer?
"That's not the real problem," Lynn sighed. "It's time I reassess the paradigms of my life. God, there's still so much I want to do and I just didn't make any plans for love. Not since Jeff died"
"Plan love? I have less age and my life has changed from love. There was no plan," Avril said with a blush and smile. She thought about her first time with Jimmy and how it still filled her heart with such joy. "Love happens, it not made to plan. Is other part of happiness for life. To love make biggest difference to life. You should speak with Griff."
"Please stop saying that," Lynn protested, trying not to become emotional. She had a sick feeling in her stomach and regretted telling anyone anything about her feelings for Griff.
"One man," Avril began in all seriousness, placing her hand over her heart, "to feel in here, a life spark. My life spark, it is Jimmy."
"I haven't felt a spark of life since my husband died." Lynn stared down at her open, empty palms. For years, that void had been absolute. Now, this sudden surge of feelings for Griff threatened to uproot everything she thought she knew about her heart—and she was terrified.
"To understand, you face life spark...only then comes knowledge of heart," Avril was surprised at how easy it was to read Lynn's vibration at that moment. It was difficult at times in the beginning, but the more time she spent with her, the more she could decipher the tangled web of her friend's emotional vibrations. "You know what to do after that." Lynn jolted, it felt as if Avril read her mind. She didn't want to acknowledge the sudden eerie feeling between them and decided to joke away the uncomfortable silence that followed.
"You sound like a floating guru," Lynn snarled, but meant it to be playful. "I can do without the riddles."
"Is that American...bitch-face?" Avril mumbled, hiding her own feelings of hurt behind a stoney expression and cold dark eyes. Avril looked at her friend curiously. Lynn regretted her response just as soon as it came out of her mouth.
"Uh," Lynn tried to think of some way to reverse the mood, "No...that's not what I mean. I was just being funny...you know, funny ha-ha."
"American humor," said Avril, rolling her eyes. She stood and walked toward the door. "We to have coffee together in cafeteria."
"Right behind you," Lynn said as she shoved her comb and mirror back into her pack and tossed it onto her bed before following Avril.
Lynn and Avril carried their coffee to a quiet corner table. It was time to come clean. The relationship with Merc was dead, and Lynn could no longer outrun the truth about Griff. She had spent years trying to talk herself out of loving him, but avoiding it wasn't working anymore.
"There are a thousand or more things that Griff and I share," she said to Avril as they pulled out chairs and sat, "I just don't like dealing with the stigma of old beliefs we can't seem to get past."
"This age you keep talking?" Avril started with her dessert. The custard was just what she was craving the whole day. "Is important to Griff? You should know his feeling on it."
"If we don't talk about it, it's just going to be the elephant in the room," Lynn said. "Our age difference will always be there, and if we ignore it, it'll just rear its ugly head at the worst possible moment." She watched her friend swallow, an odd, blank expression washing over her face. Lynn realized then that her friend was stuck on the idiom, trying to picture an actual elephant.
"I do not understand what you say," Avril said as she stirred her potato dish in with her squash, smashing them together.
"Even though Griff and I do have everything in common, these stigmas will dictate our social standing. And that, my dear, is connected to our business."
"You are right when you say you are alike," said Avril, "even you see how the same meticulous, the same organized, the same perfection type...emotional."
"Griff isn't emotional," Lynn said, the realization hitting her all at once. Even if he were, he would never let her see it. He operated like a master negotiator—smooth, calculating, and entirely detached. He kept everyone at arm's length, guarding his feelings like a state secret.
"There is more I know about, but it your business, never mine," Avril said. If Lynn wanted the truth, she would have to ask for it. Two could play at being stubborn.
"Nothing more about this, please." Lynn let out a heavy sigh. She was only complicating things, driving them further from clarity with every attempt to explain.
"That is fair," Avril grinned. Did she feel a vibrational chink in the armor of her friend's emotion? "It should be malakh who gives this message, not one like me."
"What message?"
"Malakh predicts years, two, if love comes for you and Griff, year one. But after year passing, you will lose way to love; travel alone for time. You are not willing to stop for life spark?"
"There is a great chasm between us," Lynn responded in a sad, broken voice. "We may survive it, Avril, but I don't think he can survive me. So yes, I have to walk away from this."
"I know already this foolish talk is no good," Avril complained, somewhat aggravated at the continuous response of negativity on the matter.
"No one really knows what my marriage was actually like." Lynn sat back helplessly, her hands resting limp on her lap. She looked at her friend, desperate for a sliver of understanding. "It was me. I destroyed it because I couldn't stop working. I was obsessed, personally dragging every project to the finish line, completely blind to when to quit. Eventually, he just got tired of the late nights. He started drinking, he quit his job... it was like he just gave up on us."
She stopped, swallowing hard. "If he thought I was unfaithful, he was wrong. I just couldn't bear to fail. But when I finally did go home, I was a ghost. I had nothing left to give him." A single tear escaped, but Lynn instantly squared her shoulders, fighting back the sob. "I gave him an ultimatum: the bottle or me. He chose the bottle. He left, and then... the alcoholism took him. I was so sure he would choose me."
"And how many years go by?" Avril asked, trying to lighten the mood. "Past is past. We go on."
"It's not that easy, Avril," said Lynn, shaking her head. "I can't do that to Griff. I can't be the reason why I ruined everything...again. Now I know exactly who I am and how I am. I can't drag him through that."
"Well, it's good you make this job to share," Avril smiled and chided lightly. "You are together at work, always."
"That's not it," Lynn tried to reason. "I've never forgiven myself for hurting Jeff; and I would die, literally die, if I ever hurt Griff."
"Griff strong in feeling," Avril said as she held up her hand. She did not want to hear Lynn doubt Griff's ability to face such an arbitrary task. Even she knew he was stronger than Lynn gave him credit. "His anger more dangerous than his love."
"Anger?" Lynn laughed, she hardly ever saw Griff angry. "He's pretty even tempered. At least that's been my experience."
"You are, how you say..." Avril took a moment to choose just the right words, "blind to much of Griff."
"I don't understand." Lynn was confused at what Avril was trying to say. She knew Griff better than she knew anyone else in her life.
"If you understand vibration," Avril tried to clarify, "why not see him? You are not to see his vibration?"
"Not to see his vibration?" Lynn echoed her words, still not grasping what she was getting at.
"You are stupid to his vibration?" The words were not what Avril wanted to say, but her frustration with Lynn was getting the best of her. "What do you feel from Griff?" She asked, trying a different approach.
"He has told me that he wants something between us."
"And you shut out his asking?"
"It's not that I shut him out."
"You do," Avril snapped. "You shut him out!"
"You don't understand," Lynn protested.
"No," her friend interjected sternly. "It is you who has no understanding."
"This is why I don't like talking about feelings," Lynn said helplessly.
"You must talk of this."
"I don't want to."
"You don't talk, you only hurt self...spirit inside wants talk."
"This is crazy," Lynn shook her head. She felt cornered by a Jewish bull. Avril was unrelenting with her pressure to talk. And Lynn didn't have the words to make anything she was trying to say any clearer.
"You know what is crazy?" Avril stood, leaning across the table towards Lynn. "Two who share same vibration not sharing same vibration."
"I do know what you're saying, Avril." Lynn felt the familiar pull of her shell, that quiet urge to retreat from a reality she couldn't face. Soon, she knew she would shut down completely, leaving nothing but silence.
"Come with me, I have someone you to meet—Yeshua," said Avril, standing up and waiting for Lynn to do the same. "I want you to meet other teacher. He is great leader of Essenes." Lynn rose without a fuss, following Avril out of the room and down the corridors to a small, stark room that resembled an interrogation chamber. Only one person was inside when they entered: a tall, bearded man with creamy brown skin, dressed in the faded desert fatigues worn by the Essenes. A white prayer shawl with blue trim was draped over his shoulders. He sat motionless at a lone table, which had a single empty chair across from it. Avril introduced them and promptly excused herself.
"So," Yeshua began as she sat down with him at the table. This was an odd thing for an Essene teacher to do, Lynn thought. The Essenes pretty much never made conversation with anyone outside their sect. "You seem quite concerned about something...personal?" She realized his English was perfect. Maybe talking with him would help, but she doubted it.
"Quite personal," Lynn replied, aiming for a polite distance. She didn't want to open up to him—she didn't want to open up to anyone. But the wall she was trying to build felt flimsy against the sudden, violent pressure of her own emotions building inside her.
"I would leave this conversation," Yeshua said, lacing his fingers in his lap, "but you have evoked the malakh with your questions, and I have the impression I am to address you." The same eerie creeping sensation she had experienced with Avril returned, yet as his presence brushed against her mind, it felt strangely soothing. Suddenly, the words poured out of her—all the thoughts bottled up since the day she realized how close she had come to losing herself in Griff.
"I'm starting to realize that when you search for fulfillment in someone else, you never stop consuming them. You keep searching until they have nothing left to give, and they leave. Then, you're right back to where you started—just you. Wouldn't it be easier to take this time alone to learn how to truly love, regardless of what anyone else feels? To just exist without the distraction of trying to maintain a relationship? It sounds cliché, but the truest mark of a strong person is knowing you can't genuinely love another until you learn to love yourself." She stopped only for a moment to gather more of her thoughts.
"What if, when you said you love someone," Lynn went on, the words rushing out as if a floodgate had opened, "it was with no conditions? What if family and friends never had to do anything for that love, but just be themselves? What if they didn't even love you back, and yet you knew you would love only that one person for the rest of your life? Granted, my life won't be as long as his, but it would be filled with a vibrant, exciting love. Why is this love so strong when he has never touched me, nor makes any move to show his feelings anymore? The love for him is so... consuming. And for some crazy reason, I don't feel alone anymore. Is this concept enough—this idea of unconditional love? You choose to be happy, and you just want him to be happy."
After a long moment of silence, Yeshua spoke. "The physical is all about you and the choices you make in the here and now," He spoke in a slow, determined tone. The vibration he felt from her was as tangled as her words. "Time does not exist except in physical reality and that concept is the evident connection to our spirituality...this here and now. That is the precise point with which the spiritual connects to the physical. There is not a past or future in that spiritual existence. This is where the veil is the hardest to penetrate. There was a time when very few in this world knew how to connect with spirituality. Now in this time of mankind's descent into the fifth dimension, the connection for many will come. The physical realm was designed early in the beginning of time as what you would call a think tank. Every being in existence, whether they reside on earth or in other parts of the universe, are connected to spirituality. What other beings in this realm do, and what you do, are two very separate things even though in spirit we are all one. You will be taking all that YOU did in this physical with you when you return to pure energy as only a spiritual being again. Returning to spirituality, there is no concern over what we did wrong or right, just that we had experiences to feel, learn from and use with the desire to become physical again. And then back we come, in a different time and a different place. Each time we return to physical we work to expand as spiritual beings throughout infinity."
"What then makes us so inclined to be implanted in the mass idea of reality, to want to be with another...or others?" Lynn asked. It felt like a crucial question, even if it bypassed the chaotic tumble of words she had just spilled. Yeshua looked at her, his solemn gaze holding hers for a moment before he continued.
"Although the physical and spiritual realms are compatible, only a residue of the spiritual filters through into our tangible world. As humans, we deeply crave to regain that sense of primal oneness in this life. Because the physical world is inherently imperfect, we must use it to learn, expanding our individual spirituality through our unique inputs. Yet, shrouded by this sense of separation, many of us seek connections with other people here on Earth, hoping to mimic the completeness of spiritual unity. Those who remain unaware of the creative energy connecting us all ultimately look to a mass, shared physical reality in search of that human connection."
"That makes so much sense," said Lynn as she listened intently.
"There are those who believe we're here for some mass conjoined specific purpose or other, when we are only here to fulfill our own agenda that each of us made in the spiritual realm before we entered into the physical." Yeshua stopped a moment to allow Lynn to digest the information before he went on.
"Let me clarify: when a soul awakens to the truth that they possess the power to shape their own reality, navigating the path of change becomes paramount. This is where physical consciousness merges with the inner spirit. For those who courageously embrace this awakening, the journey becomes an exploration of self-connection—a quest to remember the very blueprint they designed before manifesting into this physical realm. When you begin to view others not as external forces, but as reflections of your own journey, you align with the Source of all energy, that inner-self that connects you to the spiritual. This expansion of consciousness is the dawn of true wisdom. Ultimately, by understanding the divine logic of our pre-arranged path, we learn to embody our spiritual purpose within this physical existence."
"Why does it seem that there are some who became physical so early in the timeline, or time - space continuum, and find a person they feel connected to who came in so late? And will we see those we met here in this reality, in the spiritual realm as who they are here?"
"In a way, yes; but it gets difficult to explain further. Because we are all part of one another in the spiritual realm, we are always connected, even if we cannot see it clearly here in this physical world. The balance between the spiritual and the physical is independence in the physical world, and the complete opposite in the spiritual. Many souls travel through the timeline together. Among them are soul mates who meet at the exact opportune moment they wish to expand. Whether they choose to grow separately or together, they are uniquely capable of expanding as one. However, when you allow the biases of others to cloud your judgment, you disturb your internal balance—your yin and yang—and introduce resistance to the plan. Although nothing is ever truly lost to this resistance, the ability to manifest your desires is slowed immensely. The manifestation of your desires are purely under your own influence, just as your arrival in the physical world was part of your own directive when you were a pure spiritual being. You are more powerful physically than you remember as a spirit.
"Well, that just brought in a whole new plethora of questions," Lynn muttered, rubbing her temples as her head began to swim. It was too much information, too fast. Across from her, Yeshua stood up quietly and slid out of the room without another word, leaving her alone with the silence. Lynn sat frozen, trying to anchor herself against the weight of everything they had discussed. The initial concepts made perfect sense—the clarity had been almost blinding. But the Awakening was different. How was someone supposed to actually go through it? What if the people who entered this timeline together, here in the physical world, didn't advance at the same pace? Was the plan still on schedule? The more she tried to force logic onto the shifting pieces of their conversation, the faster her understanding slipped away. Desperate and exhausted, she slumped over the table and let out a broken cry.
"All is well?" Avril asked when she entered the room, concerned with Lynn's action.
"No!" Lynn cried out with a moan. "My whole life just became easier to understand and I still don't get it."
"I cannot respond," Avril said confused. "You must to explain."
"Another time," Lynn said. She stood abruptly, wincing as her chair scraped harshly against the floor. "I have to meet the guys. We have a debriefing in less than an hour and I have to set it up."
"Oh, yes," said Avril with a blush, "thank you for time with Jimmy. For you to take a shift tomorrow. It is important before to go on next assignment."
"It's fine," Lynn smiled. "Griff and I needed to get Sampson used to traveling with us...without Jimmy or Merc."
"You like talk with Yashua?"
"It was enlightening and confusing at the same time."
"Is this good?"
"I have to say yes," Lynn smiled again. "Everything made more sense than all the texts I've read on the subject of spirituality."
"Good, and you feel understanding with Griff?"
"I don't think we really talked about him."
"You talk, but you must see from Griff side too."
"Right now is not a good time to get into this again," Lynn said, holding up her hand as if to stop the direction of the conversation physically. "I've already been confused by the functions of life concerning how it is we come about sharing reality with others. I'm going to have to think on that a while before I understand how any of that talk with Yeshua covers my connection with Griff."
"You are right," Avril smiled sweetly. "It is best to think first and talk later." Stepping out into the hall, they met Jimmy.
"There you are," he said happily. "I was looking all over for you."
"I am here," she laughed. Happy to feel the vibration of her lover engulf her so readily. "We talk another time." Avril said to Lynn.
"Not any time soon, I hope," Lynn mumbled, turning toward the Command Center. At least in this reality—one of endless battles to defend their own ground—the war made sense. You found the enemy, and you rounded them up. And the unified effort was protection and defense.
Today, Lynn would be out on patrol with Griff and Sampson, tasked with learning how to read the dog's keen ability to sniff out Russians. The only other time she'd noticed any odd behavior from him was with a few of the personnel he'd reacted to who had completely ignored him. It was strange, considering everyone else loved Sampson, and he usually loved them right back.
Walking back to the residence alone, Lynn thought about the discussion with the Essene elder until her head began to ache.
"Hey," said Griff as he turned to see Lynn enter their room. He had already brought Sampson to ready him for their adventure.
"Good, you're already here," Lynn said happily. She was looking forward to replacing all the talk she endured with Avril and Yeshua with something more her speed, work.
"Did you map us out?" Lynn asked and walked to where she saw an iPad lying near Griff. He picked it up and handed it to her.
"Yeah," he answered and knelt to pick up Sampson. "You're really going to like this patrol. I've been able to see him in action already. It's pretty impressive." He petted the canine as he held him. Lynn patted his head and watched him squirm to get loose, until finally Griff placed him back on the ground.
"Let's get our gear and head out," Lynn suggested. "I'm really curious to see what the fuss is all about." Griff followed Lynn out the door, Sampson close behind them. After checking their weapons, equipment and supplies for the patrol, they quickly made their way to the motor pool.
"Where were you and Avril all day?" Griff asked, their boots clanking against the metal as they climbed down the steps and through the giant garage.
"Oh, you know," she answered, "girl stuff."
"Well, Jimmy was losing his shit when he couldn't find her. He actually thought you two left the base or something."
"He needs to put a leash on his...you know," Lynn said cryptically, not wanting to say penis aloud. "He's going to wear that girl out."
"It's really none of our business," Griff said with a slight blush.
"Well, she's not complaining," Lynn continued. Griff bristled, his discomfort radiating. He never did like bringing the bedroom into the workspace—especially in mixed company. They walked into the command center, Lynn's eyes locking onto his just as they grabbed their iPads for the patrol. She could see how uncomfortable he was with the conversation.
"You tell me I'm going to be impressed with Sampson's skill?" she asked.
Yes," Griff, grateful for the topic change, quick to move into the new conversation. "Watch him closely when we get out there. He has this unique reaction to Russians."
"Oh," Lynn said as she looked down at the little dog, his nails clicked on the tile as he trotted between them.
"Whenever he senses them, the hair stands up on the sides and the back of his neck. He looks like he's wearing a fur wrap or something."
"Well, he is wearing fur," Lynn teased.
"You know what I mean," said Griff, not appreciating her joke.
After loading their gear, they prepped their weapons. Lynn grabbed the rifle Griff handed her as he opened the aircar's hatch. Once loaded, they settled into the front seats for the long, slow drive up toward the outer door. Sampson sat perched on the center console between them, panting with anticipation. He loved going on patrol with Jimmy and Merc—especially Jimmy, his favorite companion, who never forgot the snacks. Jimmy always rewarded him with treats whenever he signaled the presence of Russians, and Sampson eagerly looked forward to another rewarding trip. To his disappointment, there were no snacks today. Griff and Lynn just flew around, filling the cabin with noisy conversation. Sampson stared at Griff for a long time, waiting for food that never came. He did not like this ride. Even worse, the flying vehicle threw off his tracking; to sense Russians, they had to be on the ground. By the time he felt the urge to raise his hackles, they had already flown past the invisible enemy, and the moment was gone.
Griff and Lynn traveled to and fro on their GPS path without any noticeable reaction from Sampson. By the time they returned to the base, Lynn felt a little disappointed with the whole idea of spotting invisible Russians.
"I guess there weren't any enemies where we patrolled," said Griff as he helped Lynn unload the hatch. Both watched as the dog trotted off to find someone in the cafeteria who would feed him.
"Highly unlikely," Lynn muttered.