I can't sleep.
The room is too quiet, and that’s the problem. In the city, there's always noise. The constant hum of a civilization that never truly went silent. Here, there is only wind. It’s a bit chilly, but all I can do is sit on the porch outside the small house, staring toward the dark outline of the mountains.
I hear footsteps behind me. Then, Rian sits beside me without speaking. For several minutes, we don’t say anything.
Finally, I say, "Do you think they're right?"
"About what?"
"About you."
Rian looks at me.
"The people here," I draw my knees toward my chest. "They look at you like you're dangerous."
"I understand why."
"Doesn't that bother you?"
"Yes."
His honesty surprises me, "You're not angry?"
"I am."
"At them?"
"Not really," he looks toward the settlement. "They've spent their entire lives hiding from people like my father."
I’m quiet. How can he not be angry with them? "So, they lost their family because of him."
"Probably."
"You don't know?"
"No," he lowers his gaze. "That's the worst part."
Looking at him, I ask, "You don't know what your father did?"
"I know enough."
"Do you?"
Rian smiles faintly, "You really like asking that."
"Because you keep saying things that make me wonder."
“Fair,” he nods.
A child runs through the settlement below us, laughing, as his mother calls after him. The boy stops, turns around, and runs back.
I watch them, all the while wishing I could live that carefree.
"They're different," I say.
"Yeah."
"No," I shake my head. "I mean really different."
Rian looks at me.
"They don't use markers," I continue, still watching the mother as she tries to get her son to go back inside. "They don't have constant surveillance or even regular electricity."
"Well, some of them do," Rian says.
I glance at him, "That's not the point."
"I know."
I smile slightly, remembering Marla’s stew, "They grow their own food and cook."
"Yep.”
"They repair things instead of replacing them and they actually know their neighbors."
Rian looks at me, "So do people in the city."
"No, they don't."
“You knew your neighbors,” he smiles.
"I knew their names."
"That's something."
“Not enough. Not when I barely talked to them."
Rian nods, "Okay."
I look toward the settlement again. "They seem… free?"
I’m not sure if that’s the right word to use, but it feels right. I just hope that Rian is able to understand what I’m talking about.
Rian is quiet, "I was thinking the same thing."
I look at him, "But their lives are harder because they have fewer resources and they have to work for everything."
"Definitely."
I look back at Rian, "Then why does it feel like they're the ones who have more?"
He considers the question, before saying, "Because maybe having more isn't the same as having everything."
I look at the settlement again. "That sounded almost wise," I say.
"Don't tell anyone."
I can’t help laughing softly, but it feels strange. After all that’s been going on, I shouldn’t be laughing right now. However, it also feels good. Of course that doesn’t last for very long.
It’s silent for a bit. I just sit there, no more laughter, no more smiles, as one thought just suddenly invades my mind.
"What about my parents?" I say quietly.
Rian's expression softens, "I don't know."
"I hate that answer."
"So do I."
I stare at the mountains. "They aren't allowed here because they're clones."
"That doesn't mean they don't love you."
"I know," I say, looking down at my hands.
"But it feels like it."
It’s not a question, but I nod anyway. "Everything is changing."
Rian turns toward me, "You know what hasn't changed?"
"What?"
"You… you're still you."
I look at him, "Am I?"
"Yes."
"How do you know?"
"Because you're still arguing with me."
I smile. That’s the most ridiculous thing he’s said yet, but it makes me feel like there’s butterflies in my stomach. He smiles back, and I look down. "I used to think being a clone explained everything."
"Everything?"
"Who I was. Why my marker worked, or at least worked half of the time. What my future would be."
"And now?"
I fold my hands together, wondering if I should continue. "Now I don't know what I am."
Rian’s quiet for a moment, "You're Felicity."
“That’s not an answer,” I say, looking at him.
"Maybe it is."
I frown. What is he talking about?
"You're a person who survived something no one else thought you could survive," he pauses. "You're someone who loves her parents even after finding out they lied."
I swallow. If I’m not careful, he’s going to break down all of my defenses.
"You're someone who still wants to save Jax and Elara even though you don't know if they'll ever be able to return the favor."
My eyes are stinging now.
"And you're someone who doesn't give up on people," he looks at me. "Not even me, your so called rival… or was it arch enemy?"
I quickly look up at him, too shocked to say anything. So, he has been aware of our rivalry.
“Just so you know,” he continues, leaning closer to me. “I never saw you as my rival.”
Oh… so he’s that full of himself? I glare at him, as I slightly shake my head. He must really think that little of me to insinuate that I’m not on his level, especially now that we know I’m not a clone.
“Truth be told, I only ever wanted to get your attention and impress you.”
“What…?”
“To think, all that work I did, and all it took was for something like this to happen for me to finally talk to you,” Rian says, gesturing around us.
My heart skips a beat… I’m pretty sure it has. Was he being serious? I can’t take this anymore, so I look away, "You're making it difficult to stay suspicious of you."
"Sorry."
"No you're not."
"Ha… I guess you’re right… I’m not," he says, grinning.
I smile back, hoping that the burning feeling in my cheeks doesn’t mean that I’m blushing.
A comfortable silence settles between us, as the chilly wind helps to cool me down. Then Rian's expression suddenly changes.
"Felicity?"
"What?"
"I need to tell you something."
I look at him, not sure if I want to know what he has to say.
"When I was younger,” he says, scratching his head. “My father brought me to one of the government facilities."
My stomach tightens, "What happened?"
"I saw people behind glass."
"Naturals?"
"I don't know," he looks toward the dark settlement. "I never understood what I was seeing. Though, in light of what we know now, they most likely were."
I don’t want to hear about it anymore, but I remain quiet and wait for him to finish. It’s only fair that I let him speak. He listened to me not long ago.
"My father told me they were dangerous," he finally continues.
"Did you believe him?"
"At the time," Rian looks ashamed. "I was a kid, so what did I know?"
"You were told what to believe."
"Yeah, but that doesn't make it better."
"No, it doesn’t," I say, quietly. I should be angry, but I just feel sad and sorry for him.
He nods, "I know."
Reaching over, I touch his hand. He looks down at our hands, and I almost pull away. Yet, I don’t. I leave my hand there, hoping it brings him some comfort. "You don't have to be your father."
Rian looks at me, "Neither do you."
“What… what are you talking about,” I frown.
"You don't have to be whatever everyone else says you are."
The words stay with me. For years, I thought my identity had been something given to me. A name. A marker. A future. A classification. I’m starting to begin to understand that maybe identity isn't something a system can assign. Maybe it’s something I have to choose.
The door opens behind us.
Marla steps outside, "Sorry to interrupt."
I quickly pull my hand back, hoping that she didn’t see. Of course, that doesn’t seem very likely.
Marla seems to pretend not to notice, "The coordinates are confirmed."
I stand, "When do we leave?"
"At dawn."
"And my parents?"
Marla hesitates, "We found one more message."
My heart is racing now. "What does it say?"
She hands me a small piece of paper. My hands are shaking, as I unfold it. Only one sentence is written.
If Felicity reaches the settlement, send her north. Do not follow.
My breath catches, "That's it?"
"That's it."
I read it again. "Why don't they want me to follow them? Or, do they mean for you not to follow me?"
Marla doesn't answer.
Rian steps beside her, "Well, I guess we'll just have to find out."
I fold the message, once again thankful that Rian is continuing to come with me. Or, at least, I want to believe that. I have to, or everything will break apart. Tomorrow I will leave the first place that has ever shown me proof that I’m alone.
I will be heading toward a second meeting point my parents had prepared. However, now there’s a new question haunting me. If my parents knew enough to prepare all these hiding places… then what else have they known? More importantly, why haven't they told me before?