Sitting on the plaid living room couch with my sister watching TV, the night began ordinary enough. Curled up beside me was Golden haired Anna, rapt in the mystery occupying our brains. I think it was a re-run of Nancy Drew, and I was antsy. It was summertime and I remember it being hot. Our apartment had few windows and an ancient air conditioner. Though I liked the heat, I hated the south's humidity.
My attention strayed around the room. Dad was reclining in his Lazy Boy reading a history book and sipping coffee, while Mom was cleaning up in the drab green kitchen. We were a typical 1970's family who ate dinner on TV trays. This should have never happened to us.
Vieve!
Did something call me? The hair on the back of my neck stood on end.
I suddenly had the urge to get up. Under a spell, I rose. Even though I had no personal desire to, I mechanically walked across the golden shag rug toward the hallway. In my pink nightgown, I felt so small while my shadow loomed above. As if being called into the dark bedroom I shared with my older sister, my bare feet cautiously treaded over the coarse fibers and then stopped directly in front of the doorway. My toes curled and my fingers clenched. A figure caught my eye and my brain wrestled with it-it was no figment of my imagination and no demon that I could compel to leave. My bony knees knocked together beneath the cotton fabric.
Who are you? Are you waiting for me?
About my size, maybe four feet in height, it appeared as though a small person stood inside my room, even though bars on the window prevented entry. I peered harder. Moonlight from half-open blinds streaked across its body, so I mistook its skinny form for a skeleton. I had no information in my brain to explain what a grayish-white thing with large black eyes could be, except for the universal term of monster. I knew nothing of aliens and had no reference in my conscious brain in which to compute them.
We contemplated each other. I only found confusion. My mind kept trying to see through the illusion, to unearth the trick, but I could not. It was real! I backed away terrified. Who would believe me and keep me safe from it? Trying to hold myself together, I apprehensively went to the small apartment kitchen, where Mom dried dishes with her worn hands. Hunched over the sink, she did her chores with precision, never drudgery. She felt happy when household tasks were finished, her mission completed. As a homemaker, her life revolved around my sister and me, and sometimes ... it troubled me. I did not feel I deserved to use up all her healthy years for my rearing and then have nothing to show for it when I left.
"Is your show over with?" Her voice was gentle and interested.
She always cared about what I did, even the mundane. A perfect mother-she broke my heart. I wish she had a normal existence before this one destroyed her. At least she was shielded from the truth behind the scenario, and so was I-for now.
"No, it's not over yet," I said, forcing a laugh, while glancing over my shoulder. "I just came from my room, but there is a monster in it. I swear I saw something. Isn't that weird?"
Her rough hands stopped. The rag halted over the dish as she considered what I said. I held my breath, hoping she would believe me.
"Don't be silly. There are no monsters."
Then why am I shaking?
Just as I thought, there would be no help with my problem. Dad, an accountant, only dealt with the concrete with black and white-not the gray. He would not want to deal with my nonsense. Anna probably knew it was true, but she chose not to remember. Maybe they didn’t want her to, so why can I? I didn’t want to awaken her to the nightmare.
Distraught, I passed back by my open bedroom door and peered at the creature still standing in front of my window, waiting for me. Black eyes beseeched me. I wanted to cry. My insides tensed as I fought back the tears. Bits of old prayers that I learned as a kid entered my mind. I quickly learned that they were a waste of time. No one would hear them.
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
We both knew it was there. That is when I used my powerful human gift-denial. I went back to the couch as if I had lost my soul, sat by Anna, and escaped into TV. What else could I do?
At bedtime, I nervously crept toward my room and turned on the light to scare off the boogeyman. Anna got to stay up later. This was not fair. I was on my own, so I searched around the twin beds, the matching dressers, and the desk. I scanned my shelves of horses and books. Behind the innocence of our room, darkness waited. I know I saw something. Goosebumps plagued my skin.
Hello. Are you there?
Sighing with relief that nothing was there, I shut off the light, crawled into bed, and lay on my back to keep an eye on things. I hugged my favorite plush bear named Cuddly. I was about to flush the earlier event away, when my eyes met something to the left of my bed. Gray and expressionless, it remained still and silent; but do not think that was any comfort. Though immobile and not threatening me, it had encroached on my reality, shifting it off balance. It did not do anything to startle to me, it stayed where it was at-as if just stopping by for a visit.
I pulled my Cinderella covers to my chin and clutched Cuddly to my throat. Fearing for my safety, I knew that nothing could protect me. I closed my eyes and opened them several times, but the being remained as it was, watching me. Dark eyes penetrating my brain, it already knew me better than I did.
On nights that this thing came to see me, it started talking to me. I did not know what telepathy was back then in the seventies. I had been sheltered and never even exposed to science fiction. All I knew was that it showed me mental pictures and spoke with a firm male voice-which struck me as odd-as it did not appear to be either sex.
He, as I assumed it to be, showed me time-lines of the world's history, beginning with the dinosaurs and explained that catastrophe had destroyed them. For some reason, I started crying. I found the demise upsetting, and the voice told me not to be sad. I couldn't focus on the endless human wars and evil deeds. I wept for the dinosaurs ... for their pain. I was a little girl, not a monster like them.
"It was horrible for a whole species to be destroyed." I spoke out-loud, forgetting that I did not need to. It "spoke" back.
"Nothing is ever gone. Anything that has existed can exist again in some place and some time. You just have to want it." So profound, that was the only thing I ever remember it saying to me back then. That comforted me, even though I didn't really ever want the dinosaurs to come back. I liked the idea that they could. My heart came alive that day with hope. Unfortunately, it needed more to sustain it, more than what these creatures could give me.