The sky is a wide blanket of the darkest shade of night. The only visible light are the distant pinpoints of blinking stars taking their place in the ever-growing universe. Every star connects to the next, even those without a constellation, since one cannot exist without the other no matter how far apart they are. They’re bound by the light that burns inside them and the dark that engulfs their existence.
Much like Therians.
I lay on my back stargazing in renewed awe. The night sky is familiar and enduring in a limited existence that hovers just outside of normal. The grass beneath cradles me in its coolness as the breeze above breathes its warmth over my skin, the combination of the two keeping me out here way past bedtime. Papa has been asleep for hours, and Darius won’t snitch on me so long as Jaeger stays by my side. He sits on his haunches watching the dark, inhabited woods as he always does, woods I no longer regard because they’re just bleak and shadowed.
When we first moved here, completely surrounded by woods and our cabin a long distance away from the town where I grew up, the woods seemed beautiful in their mystery. But the older I got, the less beautiful they became until the mysteries hidden in their depth grew fangs and claws, leathery wings and purposeful howls. It was then that I turned away from the woods and dreamed of living among the stars instead.
I dig my fingers beneath Jaeger’s rougher coat, black like night, down to his under-fur where it’s softer and gray and I can feel his bare skin. I lean into his body heat, tracing my name on his skin in circular cursive motions. I don’t know why I do it, but I’ve done it since the first day Papa brought him home. Papa said he found the wild wolf the day he buried Mama, and it had taken Jaegar a while to allow me to reach into his fur to caress his skin. Even now, he only lets me do it for a short while before he shakes his flank and moves away.
My fingers trace the elegant loop of the -r, and Jaeger shivers then sighs, sounding so much like a human that I turn to him and giggle. He peers up at me, his gray eyes so beautiful they remind me of warmth and butterflies, then gingerly gets up and gives his body a quick shake. He steps forward but not away. He’s very protective. I rely on his instincts to keep me safe.
I turn my attention back to the stars, envious of their beauty and freedom even though Papa says they’ll eventually burn out and die. The older he gets, the more morbid his thoughts. Lately, he’s become even more paranoid and overprotective, and sometimes unbearable to live with. But he’s my only family and, if he dies, I’ll have no one but Jaeger. And mabye Darius, the glorified babysitter.
I turn to the moon, ever the beautiful queen surrounded by handmaidens who’s light will shimmer and die while the queen’s will outlast them all. She’s as seductive as she’s deceptive, her light outshining everything in the dead of night and manipulating the rest of us peons who hang at her every whim. It’s her allure that stirs a desire inside me to run away from the loneliness that often accompanies the isolation of queens. It was on a bright moonlit night when my world dropped from beneath my twelve-year-old feet, creating a rift between two worlds that inevitably collided.
When Jaeger disappeared the first night of my menses, Papa explained what was happening with great embarrassment but also with a solemnity beyond my years. He told me I’d gone from being a child to becoming a woman, and that during those days, Jaeger, as a wild animal, would be unable to withstand the scent of blood. I didn’t care about his explanation, arguing that Jaeger would never hurt me. But my pleas for his immediate return had fallen on deaf ears. I sobbed all five days, missing him. As if that wasn’t disturbing enough, Papa disclosed the hidden existence of Therians, or shape-shifters. I’d listened intently with muted shock, but also confirmation, as if I’d always known about Therians, though it had never directly been spoken. At twelve, I didn’t care about the history of Therians or their service to Mama’s family, their direct connections to me or their growing interest in a queen who would reign over all Therians. I missed Jaeger too much to have missed the small changes around me, when the woods became darker, throbbing with the sounds of wild animals along its fringes.
The next day had also become my last day attending school. When Papa dropped me off at the middle school, several of the eighth grade boys suddenly surrounded me in an aggressive show of dominance. The way they sniffed me and then snarled at each was frightening. At first, it seemed just horseplay, but when they turned on each other with vicious hostility, I realized they were Therians, children of Papa’s friends. They circled me, jostling each other to be nearest my trembling body. Even though I’d known them my whole life, they were no longer the same boys. When one of them bared sharp fangs, I screamed and pushed my way out of the instinctive violence. But I should’ve known better than to run from aggressive Therians who now saw me as prey and chased me down the block to the corner. By then, I was crying hysterically, my thumping heart incapable of drowning out their snarls and growls. I was too young to understand their attraction, see the connection between my menstrual cycle and their instinct, and accept that the rest of my life would revolve around what I am rather than who I am.
When I turned the corner, engulfed by fear, strong arms captured me around my waist, lifted me off my feet, and pressed me against a firm chest and square shoulders. I squealed until he growled low in his throat, instantly soothing me. I was no longer afraid because I recognized that growl and the rumbling in my chest. It gave me comfort even though his body was tense and rigid. It was Malcolm. I leaned my head against his shoulder, soft dreadlocks caressing my face. I trusted him instantly because he was the boy who’d become a man. When the boys turned the corner, Malcolm growled with such protective ferocity my body trembled in his arms. The boys immediately fled with frightened yelps that sounded so much like the wild coyotes that surrounded our home. I hugged Malcolm with the intense emotion of a girl turned woman overnight.
“You came back,” I whispered against his neck.
He shivered. “I never left,” he replied, his voice tight with the tension of barely holding back his own shift. I tried to move away, but he pressed the palm of his hand against my back, warm and slightly shaky.
“Hold on tightly, Butterfly.” I did as he said, unwilling to disobey. Malcolm ran all the way home so fast I passed out in his strong arms. That had been seven years ago and I never saw him again.
After that day, Papa and Darius insisted I learn self-defense in more ways than physical. Papa taught me how to fight with my body, Darius with my mind, and Jaeger, in his own wolf way, showed how to fight against animal attacks. Papa has made me bleed on several occasions, and Darius has made me cry. But Jaeger is the only one who hurts me. Not because of the bite or claw marks he leaves on my skin, but because every time his large body slams me to the ground, especially when he pins me face down with his open jaw on my shoulder, the longing for the boy in the cemetery pulses strongly throughout my body until Jaeger finally releases me and the sense of loss leaves me breathless.
Mama used to say that I just love everyone instantly, but she was wrong. I only love a boy I met once. As I got older, I grew more suspicious of everyone that came near me, especially in Hollow Woods where the majority of the residents are Therians. Papa explained that Hollow Woods had been founded by Mama’s ancestors for the protection of Therians in search of a safe place to live after being hunted to near extinction by a group of humans called the Winchester Order. With the help of a coven of sorcerers, the town has been protected from detection by the Harker Order since the days of Mama’s ancestors. Of course, I was fifteen when he’d told me the story after another fierce argument of me yelling, him watching me blankly, and then doors slamming before he came into my room and told me about Hollow Woods.
I sigh, wondering why I’m thinking about Malcolm and the niggling suspicions I’ve had about Jaeger. But I can’t face them. I don’t want to, so I push those far into the back of my mind along with other suspicious things I’ve seen. Jaeger growls low in his throat, his gray eyes focused on the profound darkness of the forest where tall, thick trees become sentinels of a kingdom of Therians I barely know and whose doors are kept closed by the wolf that keeps them at bay.
“It is time we returned within,” Darius says from behind me. I jump, grab my chest, then turn indignant eyes on Jaeger.
“You growl at nothing in the woods, but don’t warn me when Darius is behind me?” Jaeger turns his gray eyes towards me like a human would, and chuffs, turning his attention back to the woods. “Why do I have to go back in, Darius? Papa’s been asleep for hours now.”
“As indeed you ought to have been as well,” he replies coolly. I stare at Darius, handsome in an old-fashioned, sophisticated kind of way with long, straight hair the color of steel, blue eyes so light they’re almost translucent, and a tall, slender frame that gives him the effortless elegance of a prince. It doesn’t help that his attire is always so Victorian, which I purposely point out every so often just to see if I can get a rise out of him. I never do. I’m not sure how old he is but he has the air of an old-fart vampire with his stoicism, dryness, and reticence. Even though I’ve known him my entire life, he’s never seen me as more than just the kid he babysits even though he’s more like that weird uncle I absolutely love but would probably not introduce to my friends, if I had any. Except my longtime friend, Raegan.
I roll my eyes but make sure not to hold his gaze. I know enough about vampires to avoid looking into their eyes for too long, lest their mesmer strip away my will. “I’m not sleepy, and don’t understand why you still treat me like a child.” A charge in the air prickles my skin, like I’m being watched by multiple eyes. I swallow hard and tentatively walk towards the cabin.
“You are, in truth, only a child,” Darius replies with a cold edge in his voice, sensing my discomfort. Still, he follows me from a distance. He never gets closer than eight or ten feet unless he absolutely has to, and, usually, he absolutely does not have to. The night I turned sixteen and tried to sneak out of the house to meet up with Reagan. Since I was menstruating, Jaeger wasn’t there to stop me before I went ahead with the crazy idea. Had it not been for Darius swooping in to rescue me, I would’ve broken my neck when I jumped out of my bedroom window of the cabin's second floor.
It was the first time Darius flashed his vampire fangs into the dark woods, a cold darkness emanating from him that left me trembling with fear. Back inside the cabin, he gave me quite the lecture, and I was never foolish enough to do that again. Somehow, Jaeger knew of my stupid almost-escapade because he didn’t let me trace my name across his flank for about a week before he finally gave in. But only after I stopped calling him a scaredy-cat.
I walk into my bedroom and close the door quietly after Jaeger follows me in. Darius will stand outside my door the entire night while Jaeger is with me. When Jaeger is gone, Darius hides in the furthest corner of my bedroom, wrapped in shadows and silence. We both know he’s there, though neither of us has ever mentioned it. It’s too weird a conversation to know that he watches me as I sleep and that I feel safer because of it.
As I change into my oversized pajamas, Jaeger saunters to the window and lifts his paw onto the sill like he does every night, staring out into the backyard, a warning to Therians that he still protects me. I always wear clothes that are large enough to hide the womanly shape I constantly reject. As if it’s not enough that Therians are naturally drawn to me, now I look like a woman even regular humans would pursue.
“What’s wrong with curves in all the right places?” Reagan had asked with her mischievously twinkling green eyes and fiery hair to match. She’s a gorgeous redhead with bouncy curls, porcelain skin, and a voluptuous frame that’s a stark contrast to my dark hair, eyes the color of blue jeans, and pasty skin.
"I don’t want any attention,” I replied. She’s the only person I’d confessed my predicament with when she’d admitted to knowing about the Therians.
“You get the attention, I’ll do their bidding,” she’d quipped with a wink, and I’d laughed.
I miss her. She’s attending some college in England while I take online courses, and has been gone for nearly a year. We FaceTime as much as we can, but it means she calls at crazy hours of the day since it’s a five-hour difference between Hollow Woods and London.
“I should FaceTime Reagan,” I mutter but then yawn so widely I pull the covers back, tuck myself beneath them, and close my eyes. I moan contentedly as my body relaxes, especially when the mattress dips beside me and Jaeger’s warmth wraps me in security and sleep.
There’s always that soft hollow
between your clavicle bone and neck
where I rest my kisses after a long day
and let them linger for a while
before they fade into your skin