The darkness of this heart weighs heavy on my mind, these bills at my desk seem so distant. They are like propositions for another empire, and I am the journalist’s apprentice, studying them, taking notes, but without authority to report to the public. Powerless to a people who share the same skies, who once felt so close. My eyes strain as I take another drink of wine, a flinch in my wings accidently knocks down one of the empty bottles at the edge of my desk.
Leaning over from my seat, as my left talon reaches to pick up the empty yet intact bottle, a sudden crushing pain from my heart flutters like a legion of mothilae in a farmer's field. A gravity starts to weigh in, a gravity that is not mine. It is not Mali, she is too busy with her before roost rituals. Setting the bottle on the desk and taking my talon to my chest.
“Moonstone.” Not wasting a single moment as I turn my form from bodily to energetic, and in a darkened mist like feathery smoke, fly through the palace timbers, and out into the night sky.
Within a blink of an eye, soaring through the clouds, over the cities, forests, and fields. Over the mountains, past the city of Kaw’leen and into the Desert of the Dead. The closer I draw near, the more her pain and panic intensifies.
There it is, The City of the Dead, carved from the canyons and cliffs of this sanctified and soiled craggy land. Diving down from the sky still as a cosmically energetic wispy fae entity. What has her frightened- no, they better not take her down the path I had to walk. Not my baby.
Flying ever faster now, through the city gates, past all the pilgrimage markets and lodging, deeper into the body of the realm itself. Past temples and burial halls, until at my family’s temple, the temple of the guardian of darkness. Through the halls carved of stone and terris, past the under court and to the place where the halls are filled of ever smouldering incense.
My heart feels like it could burst from being crushed, and I am not even in body yet as I traverse from the public site of the temple on toward the monastery connected to it. Pausing for orientation as now my spirit form drops, my body leaning against a cold, religiously cleaned wall as I try to find her direction.
There, to the right… No. No no no. Just like I was, where the monks house apprentices, most of which are voluntary orphans, though some children with parents may have been sent here for any gods forsaken reasons. When I took the throne, I made it mandated that a minor needs to fully be classified as a juvenile to be here, to protect the smallest souls. As soon as Mali gives me the space to do so, I am going to dismantle this practice of recruiting the youth entirely. A prince was once here and now a princess, I can only imagine what the zealots are up to. Still better than the later…
Summoning myself past the pain, down the halls and into her room. At least they gave her a private room, though still far too drearily serious, uninspiring, and cold. One sleep block and a chest for her belongings, which I had to insist that toys were also a necessity, not just clothes. She looks and feels blinded and paralyzed as if a sleep demon haunts her.
Flying to her side and forming myself to sit beside her on the stone sleep block. She has been given a grass mat to lay on and a thin hilmine sheet, a fabric similar to hemp, as a blanket.
“Aw’ddy.” She whimpers as her tiny arms struggle to wrap around me as I gently lift her.
“Aw’ddy is right here baby. You are safe princess.” Cuddling her then brushing back her pearly white ringlet hair to kiss her forehead.
"I had a nightmare! A terrible nightmare!" She cries her pain into me.
"You are safe baby, Aw’ddy is here." Continuing to cuddle her.
Her little arms cling tighter, her brows draw together as if she accidentally felt my pain. She looks into my eyes, her little garnets drenched in tears. "Aw'ddy, Rai is not!”
"What do you mean Moonstone?" Drawing back someone of my own sorrow and frustration, this moment is hers. I cradle her in one arm and gently wipe the tears from cheeks.
"The nightmare- I saw hands. Hands darker than the color black. The scariest energy. All grabbing Kurai. Pulling her into the void."
"That is a terrible thing to see." Trying to hide my own terror as I see what she saw…
Kurai and Phantisma playing in a crystal forest as the reverse crescent chaos moon rises. Suddenly all breezes stop and the forest becomes quiet. No. The energy of the ground shakes and yet all is still as all deep bold colors blend into the darkest black. The girls grab each other’s arms and run as the color beyond the darkest depths of space seeks them. Though their speed is the same, the mass lunges for Kurai. A mass rendered of the limbs, hands, paws, talons, claws, hooves of holding and prehensile tails. All in that same terrible color. My heart drops, tears flow from my eyes as I see them grab Kurai. Phantisma turns around as Kurai reaches her tiny talon for her sister. The many hands drag her into that color deeper than the void.
"My heart hurts. It felt so real." She takes my free talon and puts it at the top of her head.
"It is alright, you are not in the nightmare anymore. You are safe now." Folding my mighty-feathered, iridescent wings, of the darkest colors of life around us and gently petting her head.
Feeling both of our hearts beginning some vague semblance of calm, siphoning these negative blockages from her and instead inflicting them on myself. Holding back all my pain, showing her only the comfort of Night within the magical sleep-like soothing that the shade of my wings brings.
She looks up. "Why did I see that Aw'ddy?"
With a breath, pushing down myself to smile gently at my beloved little Moonstone. "Let us hope that you are subconsciously scrying, and not experiencing a separation crisis."
"What's scrying?" Her puffy face becomes painted with confusion.
"It's a type of divination, you read something reflective." Keeping serene.
"Dreams and nightmares are not reflective Aw'ddy." She corrects me with her little know it all tone.
It is a blessing that she has kept it this far, yet I fear this terrible place may try to beat it out of her. As I dry more tears from her face, I see her. I see that she felt a glimpse of what I try to hide from her. A smile flashes across my face like a smoke bomb magically conceals retreating scouts.
"Are you so sure Phasi?" I chuckle softly as some of the sweetness of the moment steps through the smoke and a bit of my heart shows itself like shadows across night lake water. "Maybe you should reflect on that."
She groans as she rolls her eyes. Seeing her annoyance with my joke, I try to set her back down on the sleeping mat.
She shakes her head and still clings tight to me. Hearing her words leak from her sore heart for only a moment. I'll take his stupid jokes over going back to sleep.
Pushing my toelans against the cold stone floor, then rising to stand while continuing to cradle her in one arm. My other talon gently loosens her grasp, which although is tiny, is not without her own power lurking somewhere where neither us nor the gods know, yet it can be felt in her sorrow and fear.
Keeping my deep voice soft and warm for her. "Moonstone, let go my princess. I am going to cradle you in my arms so I can rock you back to sleep."
"Aw’ddy, I don't want to go back to sleep. The nightmares will still be there. I'm scared. I want to go home." She curls up into me.
"I want you home Phantisma." I hold her closer, heart to heart. I feel her crying on the inside.
One of my tears lands on her head. As I dry it with my feathery wing, I feel her sensing my pain, sorrow, and torment, so I gently hold her from me, no longer heart to heart.
“Then take me home!” She lifts her head to me with a sadness and anger that I have not seen from her.
“I cannot, not yet.” Trying to look away, Kurai made a similar face earlier tonight, on the way to the meeting.
"Why not?" Her words outburst with her heart.
"I tried to break up with her when she forced me to do this to you." In shame, I set her down on the sleep mat and kneel before my princess.
"Aw'ddy, you are the guardian emperor. Did you forget? Why can't I be home with you and Aw'is?" She cries as she holds my arms, which do not fit in her talons.
"She will kill one or both of you if I bring you home right now. I am trying my best to keep you both safe while I figure a way out of this. These are turbulent uncharted waters. I have never sailed like this before. Please forgive me Princess Karasu Phantisma."
My head lowers into a bow as I try to conceal my voice which shakes from the pain of that night and every night I have had to sacrifice my body and soul for them. A sacrifice I repeat, an offering worthy to see their eyes filled with life. I just wish their lives were not filled with such terrors.
I wish I had more to sacrifice for them, not just to keep them alive, but to keep them happy and healthy. Yet I have nothing left. Nothing left but my love for them.
She holds tight to my shirt as I try to put her down. A garnet jolt flows like electric blood between each of our auras.
His pain feels really deep, there is so much hidden that I'm still learning to sense. It hurts like a nightmare. He hurts this much, and he still came to check on me. He still felt me crying all the way from the palace. I feel her heart’s low pitched rattle inside of mine.
I pray to the gods she did not just hear the requiem my heart caws. Hugging her tight.
She hugs me back. "I forgive you, as long as you keep being our Aw'ddy. Both me and Kurai. Don't leave me here forever. Come back for me."
Kneeling still while I hold her tightly in my arms. "I will always be your Aw'ddy." Crying with a smile. "I will be back for you, yet for now, can I carry you to sleep?"
"Of course, Aw'ddy."
"I am going to try singing a new lullaby for you, but it is from the heart."
"I'll sail to dream land on any ship if it's made by you." Her cute little face almost beams at me, but darkness is not light.
Smiling ever so softly, my voice is a cozy night, as my words dance on a drunken whim for her with masterful serenity of soul:
"Even when you are fully grown.
Whether you are guardian or on the throne.
Even when all the stars have shone.
Oh, regal Moonstone. My love will always be with you.
Even when you sleep upon grass and stone.
Whether I die as a soul orb or fade to bone.
Even when there are no more tales to be read from the tome.
Oh, regal Moonstone. My love will always be with you.
You say you need not a king, a shepherd, but a father.
Just forgive me, that at this I might be a bother.
Though I will never abandon either daughter.
Phantisma, for you and your sister, The Night is always shown.
Even when you feel alone.
Even when the void reaches out its hand.
Against my princesses they cannot land.
Oh, regal Moonstone. My love will always be with you.”
Now humming the tune, continuing to rock my baby in my arms. She takes to the soothing, her eyes seem to start to grow heavy. Repeating the song once more, then I lay her down and kiss forehead.
"Good night my princess. I love you." I whisper then kiss her cheek while tucking her in with the humble sheet.
"Love you too. Good night Aw'ddy." Yawning as she speaks, her weary little garnet eyes finally draw from this night, her little white eyelashes the stage curtain drawn closed.
Now that she is asleep, I gently rise from her side, my stride almost as my whispers as my toelans silently haunt across the floor to the drape-way. With silent fury my body traverses between the veil and into the hall like a goryo. Each step silent and heavy as my heart as I make my way to the hall keeper.
He shakes in his robes, quickly unbraiding his hair. I remember this face, this energy. Snivling cowardly, silently watching and never raising an alarm. Yet he feels comfortable enough to steal the valor of a warrior while remaining silent to the cries of those he took vows to serve.
“Emperor- what a-”
“Silence.” I scold with almost a hiss in my throat.
Painting the walls with the despair and anguish my soul dances in. If this is how a princess is treated, I can unfortunately imagine, no, recall the subtle cruelties of indoctrination that are gently planted in the hearts and minds of the youth here. Yet keeping this inner hand of cards hidden until they need to be played.
“My Just God With Us” He kneels, then makes himself prostrate.
“Get up.” Allowing the anger in my voice to flow, not as a surging rapid river, but as a purposefully hand crafted qanat.
He quickly rises, his words stumbling through his voice. “In all fairness My Shepherd, all of the residents in this hall receive equal treatment.”
My left talon clenches into a fist that I shield beneath my now raised wings. “Then all residents require their rooms to be reformed. I want the future priests and priestesses, the holy apprentices to feel safe and at home in holy halls. That is this shepherd’s command.”
“Yes my Guardian God.” If he bowed his head any lower, he may be able to kiss his own throne.
"As for Princess Karasu Phantisma, let me remind you that she is a guest, not a resident.” Loosening my fist, quelling the anger irrigated surface so the darkness of stillness can haunt his self moving mind. Taking one curated, silently rhythmic step to him. “Next time I visit my daughter, I expect her to have a more supportive environment for a growing childling. Princess Phantisma is only here because my wife was going to send her to a Voidist convent if I did not. When my mother sent me here, I was still two ages older than her. Do not make her train. My daughter is not to go through the ordeals that I did here. Is this understood?"
“Yes, my Shepherd.”
Seeing the frightening force that I could be in the reflection of the old monk’s yellow zircon eyes, I relax my wings and draw back my power. I see myself in his cowardness when Maliencia confronts me. I will not allow my drunken fury to instill fear, correction must be done with civility, regality and acting authoritative without being an emotional tyrant.
“Good.” I smile softly. “I am going to re-assign Lieutenant Vayav of The Umbral Guard to her side, and if he can afford to, monitor and report the reformation process of the other residents of this hall. He should be arriving by the next moonrise. Act as if I will be checking on the princess every night.”
He does more sniveling and agreeing, but another force has captured my attention.
By the gods, I was too much. I accidentally woke up the baby.
Out of the corner of my eyes, I catch her little ghostly form vanish from the drapeway back into her temporary roost.
Sternly I bow only my eyes to the hall keeper, to end this conversation. Turning with haste back to Phantisma, as time is not on my side tonight. Malencia can catch me outside the palace at any moment. I have to put Moonstone back to bed now. I am sorry Phasi. With a meditative breath before the drape door, I disperse the suffering from my heart, casting it back into the depths of me that only Mali can regrettably reach. The ones I will never regret, no matter what horror or annoyance, are my beautiful little phantom and warrior princesses.
Walking back into the room with a heart as clear as I can as the drape falls behind me. “Since you are clearly awake, let me fix your bedding Moonstone.”
She rubs her eyes with the palms of her talons. “I guess you caught me then Aw’ddy.”
“Yes, red-clawed.” I tease with a patient smile.
She rolls over with a sigh and slides herself off the sleep mat. Offering my talon out to her, she impishly marches toward me and firmly grasps mine. Minding my claws as I gently lead her across the dreary stone to stand over where her chest of belongings is.
“I need you to stand back a little bit so Aw’ddy can do a magic trick. Stay right here Phasi. Watch but do not move until I am finished, alright?” Letting her talon go as I gently nudge her by the wall.
Phantisma nods her head. “Alright.”
Stretching my wings wide, puffing every feather out, then I beat them softly against the air to shake off old and loose feathers. As they start to fall, I begin to pick them up with my left talon from the religiously swept floor, transferring them to be held by my right talon.
Once this is done, my wings fold back into their resting position and I draw my left talon again, this time to my hair as a comb. The same concept, loose material made of darkness, plucking and pulling nothing, only what effortlessly entwines itself around my claws. Unfortunately this does take some time as my hair is to my ankles after all. Then gathering all of the hair and feathers into my right talon, my left starts mixing them together.
“What are you doing?” The curiosity of childlings never ceases.
“I am trying to help you sleep.” Soft laughter escapes me. “You will see.”
Continuing to shape them into a ball, when completed, I place it on the grass woven sleep mat. One talon holds the ball in place, the other talon takes a piece from it, and my fingers begin to dance energy around it. Darkness starts playfully forming where this dance gracefully leads. My magic weaves the darkened masses into a square shape. Once the darkness disappears, a pillow pretty for a princess with support fit for a childling her age is what remains.
“What did you just do?” Her twinkling eyes grow wide.
“I will tell you everything when you are ready to learn it.”
“Oh come on! That is not fair!” She tantrums.
“You need to learn the basics, little one, and get big and strong first.” Offering her a smile with the energy of reassurance.
Now setting the pillow down on the mat and taking the rest of the hair-feather ball, my talons start spreading it out across the mat. Within my peripherals I see Moonstone studying my movements, her brows almost guiding a third eye’s focus to discern the pattern. My work is fast yet, careful as I string and bead my feathers and hair between the grass.
When I am done with that, I untie the silky outside decoration layer of my waist robe and fold it over the mat. Now once again using the darkness of the matter itself, pulling it apart from quantum and spiritual seams to craft the raw materials into another form.
“Oh my gadzin! You made me a bed! Out of nothing!”
“It was not out of nothing.” I step back smiling, revealing to her a proper roost bedding.
“It is a lot better than what I had before. I have a pillow and a little purple blanket too!”
Turning fully toward her and reaching out my talon. “Alright little one, you can move now. Come on, roost time.”
She quickly takes my talon to be walked back to bed. Once we cross the room and stand before her roost, I release her talon from mine and motion her to climb up.
She lifts her head to me, widening her garnet eyes while reaching up both her arms to me, a silent beg to be carried.
With a tired groan seeping through, wordlessly insisting that she gets into bed herself, as I lift the blanket for her.
Oh you will pick up the blanket, but not me. Time to up my Silly Cute Princess Garnet Beam Attack! She plants her thoughts purposely into my head while simultaneously making her eyes bigger. Locking those cosmic red eyes with mine, she sticks out her lower lip into an audible pout while reaching her tiny arms out higher.
My tired gaze dispels my four age old daughter’s manipulation attempt. I will have none of it right now, the line is drawn.
“Fineeee.” She groans as she brings down her arms and disengages. “My face was hurting anyways.” My baby grumbles as she climbs into bed and lays down.
“Go to sleep, Moonstone.” Whispering with a soothing lull as I kiss her cheek and tuck her in.
“Aw’ddy, will you pet my head until I go back to sleep?”
“I can do that.” Using my healing magic in my touch to soothe her restlessness.
Staying with her, just for a few moments, I had to use my magic on her, for her safety. “I love you Phantisma. Aw’ddy will be back around this time tomorrow.”
She does not respond.
While my energy starts to leave, I feel her energy falling into a gentle dreamless sleep. My heart is relieved.
I make haste back toward the palace to my desk where Malencia left me. As much as I want to check on Kurai now, I know I am out of time. If I am not where or doing what she wants … I do not wish to think about it.
Darkness reforms my body back into the seat at my office desk, bound with all matters of the busy, blinding, paperwork, armed with a few empty bottles. Finishing this sitting wine as I go over the current document, then pouring myself a fresh glass, when the silent shrieking of wicked wailing waltzes in. Her perfume slips through the fabric drape before her wraith talon parts it open.
She leans in the doorway, wearing a long royal purple, strapless silk night gown. High slits in the side flaunt her powerful legs, the parted hem is skirted with jeweled beads, matching the ones sewn into the middle of her neckline. A sheer black evening shawl flows around her arms like a second set of wings. Usually she wears a pants sleep suit. Her freshly washed hair is completely down, all traces of paint on her face swept out with the tide.
A warm feeling in my face almost blooms forward, but the mothilae that should flutter within have all been dead husks for ages. Her eyes keep their corpses pinned neatly as trophies on display. As I can see from here, this siren is sinister.
She smiles through me, I stare between the neutral space between our eyes to keep the peace. She flexes her muscles as she flips her hair which curls with rampantly terrible strength like white water.
“You can take your rest with me tonight. Come on, put the pen and page down.”
“May I continue working my goddess? There is so much I must catch up on.” I casually take a sip of wine as if I have been here the entire time, returning my eyes to my desk as I speak.
She does not take a single step nor manifest a single tendril nor darkened whim, yet I feel myself suffocating from within.
“You will retire with me for the night.” Her eyes are fierce. “Come along husband.” Yet her voice is so soft.
“Of course my goddess.” Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath to organize everything and ready it for the moonset.
Bringing my weary eyes to hers, being greeted only by the temperature-less embrace of voids in her pupils, her irises like passionate hellworlds that I would rather the blackened sulfurous smoke take me before climbing to that summit.
As I rise from my desk, her eyes fixate at my hips for only a split beat in the heart rhythm of the night, then back to the garnet stained windows to my soul. My heart drums as it fights to keep my emotions above water and my soul breathing. Malencia sees that the outer layer of my wait robes is gone, yet she does not call it verbally.
“Quickly now, my little Moonflower.”
Pushing myself to walk toward her, once I finally cross into the threshold with her, I kneel and gently take one of her talons in mine. Bringing it to my lips and kissing it with a false reverence to match this drumming heart.
“Before I follow you, may I please check on Kurai? This is her first night alone. Please my glorious goddess, please. I will make it quick, like checking on a sleeping hatchling. Please.”
She looks down to my waist then hips, then back up into my eyes. “You have been distracted far enough, I know you snuck out. Who has your outer robe?”
Everything freezes.
She marches up to me, her talon raises. I take a step back and cower into myself while my forearm guards my face.
The finger tips of her talons grab my talon gently, her claws caress mine into a grasp. My guard lowers as she holds my talon at her sternum with one of hers, while the other caresses my drawn out arm. Her smile terrifies me with this unnatural gentleness.
“Kori, if you have a pretty little rooster on the side, you do not have to hide him from me. We can share him.”
Shutting my eyes, I am prepared to fight if she does not release me. I withdraw my arm from her grasps. Thankfully she does not hold onto it as I bring it to my own chest without hers, retreating under my self guarding wings. Did she just admit she is seeing someone? I have to make sure she is not taking prisoners again. Or has she convinced herself that someone else has drawn me away from her, and not her actions?
My voice shakes as fury drips beneath shut eyes. “I took a flight to clear my mind, a flight that turned into a walk in city streets.” Opening my eyes and with all strength, I must make a story. I must protect my princesses. “I met a beggar, having no coin on me, I gave the old man my outer robe.”
“You smell like incense.”
“He was burning incense down that alley, praying on a mat to passers by.”
“My sweet little hero, someone just scammed you out of your clothes.” She mocks with a smile as she leans her frame against mine.
“I-I had not thought about that.” Playing along will keep the girls safe.
“Of course you didn’t.” Her talons start petting and playing with my wings, yet there is nothing playful or loving in her eyes.
As much as I would like her to not touch me, it is best to keep her attention on me. I turn my head and eyes down and away from her with the quiet stillness of disgust as she starts massaging into my alula.
However, the silent feather fondling was a trap. Her tone sharpens just as her claws do into the bones of my wings. “Did you also not think about what would happen to those two if I caught you lying to me.”
Biting my tongue to keep silent.
“That particular scent is only found at one particular place. You were not here when I came to check on you.”
My eyes burn as they burst from my own restraint, shifting directly into hers. “If being a loving father is a crime, then I need to see my other childling before you punish me for caring.”
She lets go of me. “Punish you? Koriath, I wore this for you, I am trying to be soft. One of us is trying to save this marriage.” She folds her arms and turns her head. “Fine. Go check on the other one. In fact, you can sleep in that room tonight or sleep in the hall. I do not care. I am going to roost.” She turns and starts walking back toward the drape.
Lowering my wings and softly turning toward her as I watch her take the drape-door in her talon. She turns her head ever softly, just enough that I can see the side of her eye roll from the hall to me. She scoffs and walks out of the room and into the hallway.
As soon as the drapery falls closed I fly on darkened mist to Kurai. Entering her pitch dark room, she tosses and turns mumbling to herself as she usually does. Flying to her side, lifting the blanket she kicked off and gently laying it back over her. With this, her body calms and her words mumble some strange language that only Kurai knows.
Sighing with relief, I consume the last of tonight’s energy to fly to Mali's roost, what should be mine, no, ours. She enters through the drape way from the hall just as my body starts to manifest from a spiritual feather mist into a bodily form.
Her eyes trace my body from head to toelan, toelan to head, she makes that scoffing sound again as she walks toward her withdrawing room, an entrance after the spa room and at the opposite side of my withdrawing room, which regrettably has become nothing more than a changing closet and hobby storage as I do not have time for myself.
However with the war she fights on the frontlines, she needs it more than I. … I am the one who wanted childlings, it should be my sole responsibility to raise them… I just wish she would respect my autonomy as I respect hers… Who am I fooling? She will never respect anyone, everything is always about her. …Yet, she is the one person in this entire empire who sees me only as the lowly man I am. She is the only one who sees the soul under the crown. Sure she desecrates me, breaks my heart, infuriates me, and I wish I never married her. Yet she does not venerate me. … I will never find another like her. … However, I cannot deal with her anymore. She makes me wish to pass away, but I have Kurai and Phantisma to protect.
“Mali, Gorgeous Terror, Loving Goddess, please grant me your audience.”
She walks out of her room with her sleep gown around her hips, with her chest bare, I instantly close my eyes.
“If you are going to be here with me tonight I need you to open your eyes.” I hear the sound of rustling fabric as she speaks. “And don’t you dare turn around.”
My eyes open, their fixation is cast to the wooden floor robbed in various rugs.
She takes her talon under my chin and lifts it, her softness in her voice and touch is calculated. “Keep your pretty glares and gazes on me."