I was looking forward to coming home tonight, yet I forgot the cage that home is. I forgot about this cursed bath... that bed. Gods I need to cleanse this all, but I have no more strength. Seeing her perfumes on display as I walk into the spa room crushes my heart. Continuing to make my way and then run the bath, I cannot shake all the times she bathed in essences here, and not just mine. My body falls to its knees. I hope the sound of the water cloaks my crying and screaming.
Desperate for release, I bring myself to rise, then walk toward the bar in what was once our room while the bath fills. I grab a bottle of wine, then remove the seal with my bare talon. This wine is made by House Brasille, a noble clan of bestial vampires. I am glad none from that family was found at Eris, yet even if they were, this is the only drink I have ready. This is my usual medication… Yet, it would take euthanasia to end this heart ache.
This war in my heart and mind is never ending. Looking at the now empty bottle, my reflection in the hand-blown glass; I still can see the demonic me, taunting me. I can hear Atesh’s warning, their voices intertwine with my own, revealing my weak, disgusting, worthlessness.
“No! Shut up!” Launching the empty bottle to rid myself of the reflection, as it breaks against the wall, I see myself in her grasp; lifting and throwing me against the wall, against the floor. Repeatedly. Repeatedly. Her laughter. Her haunting laughter.
Furiously dunking my head into the water, begging the water to cleanse me of the memory and pain. I surface to open up the other bottle of wine. This pool holds no healing magic. Taking vicious gulps to try and drown the memories, then I dive back into the water. I could just become ether and float, yet the demons might find me all too easy.
My mind and vision begins to fade not into beautiful black nothingness, not the Night.
Strong Corvapian talons grab me by my shoulders without sinking their claws into me. My flesh is too slow in the water, too bogged down by my clothes for me to turn. I did not hear or sense anyone come in. The strong arms of another wrap around under my arms, bringing my head above the surface. The second bottle floats by me, spilling its burgundy blend of fruited souls into the bath.
"Little Brother!" Devadas caws out. "For Gadzin's sake! Phantisma and I can feel your darkness! Sister Adumbra saw a bottle break in her mind’s eye!" He turns me around, then lets go of me. His black opal eyes glisten just as fiercely as his emotional tempest. "Then I find you … drowning yourself."
"I did not mean to frighten you all. I thought I could let my emotions out alone in the bath. Apparently, I need to get far away from those I love to do so in peace." As I begin to break from his hold, he releases me.
Yet, when I change form to mist-travel out of the realm, he reaches out to gently hold me, his tone softens. "Koriath. You do not have to run anymore, you are free of her. You are safe."
"Safe? Devadas, she told me I would be safe! She promised me that she would protect my heart." Transforming back into my physical body, then turning to him, sheltering both of my talons at my chest.
"What did she do this time that you have completely lost yourself?" His brows furrow yet he supportively places a talon on my shoulder.
Placing my talon over his, then holding it tight, as if doing so would stop the barrage of burning tears storming from my sore eyes. He silently listens as I pour out most of my horrors of this night. Starting with the date, lastly, confessing my fears about the girls.
“I am terrified… What if they turn out like her mother when they are older? What if Atesh is right, and love and guidance are not enough?”
One of his talons rolls into a fist, the other he gently takes our talons from my shoulder, holding mine in the space between us as he locks his eyes with mine. “I do not fear this of either of the Dimperial Princesses. Little Brother, you do not truly believe this either, I know you too well. However, it is understandable for you to feel this way, Malencia has put you through too much.”
He can feel the truth of my heart, however his kind words do not remedy the pain. Devadas releases my talon as I pull it back from him.
“My sincerest apologies Koriath. Do you need space, or do you need someone to talk to?"
"I think I need space. I promise not to drink the rest of the night, and if I do, I will not throw things."
"Alright, here is what I'll do then, I'm going to tell the girls not to worry about you tonight. Then I'll go down to the umbral quarters and change. Once I'm dry, I'll be in the hall if you need me."
"Thank you, Vayav Devadas… I truly appreciate you… Brother."
"You are welcome Little Brother.” He smiles warmly, then makes his way toward the bath’s entrance and exit incline. Just before he leaves, he turns his head. “Oh, by the way sir, you might want to try taking an actual bath." He chuckles softly.
"I thought I would do my laundry too, conserve water." My laughter hurts.
Tossing. Turning. Crying. Disgusted. It feels like this whole room is still hers. The sheets should be clean yet, her scent lingers. Does it? Maybe, maybe she finally got what she wanted. She finally won. My face trembles as my talon gently traces over her side of our nest-bed. I cannot remember the last time I slept here willingly- lovingly...
Swiftly, I draw the pillow to my face and assert myself into the middle of the bed, crying. "Why did I let this get so bad? I should have fought harder!”
No, I cannot be cruel to myself.
Yet, my talons shared hers, the blood she spilt was also blood I spilt, I am not a blameless victim. “I am just as guilty as her! I am the one who put her in power. …" I have to get out of bed, or my mind will die here.
As I dry my eyes on a sheet, her toxic scent clutches my senses again. With what strength is left in me, my body crawls out of bed. Heart heavy as I make my way past the drape and out onto the hall. Devadas has stationed himself right across the roost loft, we bow our heads to each other before I proceed. I approach the girls' drape door, when I get there, my talon gently taps the signature rhythm at the knocking plate.
Adumbra comes quickly to respond, peeking her head out. "Yes? I just got Phantisma to go to sleep."
"Moonstone asleep?" My face and voice, half laughing, half crying.
"By Gadzin, you've lost it." She shakes her head slowly.
"I do not think I ever had it." My body tenses with a smile.
"These are the worst knocking jokes I've ever heard. You're terrible at this." She takes a step back, her eyes shoot to Devadas, then me before she closes the drape behind her.
"Wait- I was going to ask the girls if they wanted to switch rooms for the night."
"Rai! Wake up! Aw'ddy says we can sleep in the big circle bed tonight!" We all hear Phantisma shout from the darkness.
Adumbra opens the drape all the way this time with the face I know she hates to make. She looks back at Phantisma in disbelief. "I thought you were asleep." She turns back to me, "I swear she was."
"Clearly." I want to laugh, however she gives me that look. Joke time is over. Clearing my throat. "Phasi has trouble falling and staying asleep."
Kurai runs out to us, her voice peeps. "You're going to join us right Aw'ddy?"
Out of the fire spit and onto the carving board. "No Nightshade, not tonight. Aw'ddy needs his space."
"Aw'ddy, you know I can't sleep without an adult. What if I get a nightmare?" Phantisma sleepily shuffles out of the shadows to join Kurai.
I love them, but I do not know how much more self-sacrifice I can take tonight.
Hearing Devadas's steps approach, Adumbra looks into my eyes, then towards Devadas behind me.
She breaks the silence. "Little Brother, would you mind if I joined them?"
"Like a sleep over?" Kurai tries to shove down the tears forming in her tired ruby eyes.
"Aw'ddy is this alright?" Phantisma looks up at me.
I try to show my relief with a smile instead of crying. "No mind at all. Thank you so much. Make yourself comfortable."
"So, it is a sleep-over?" Kurai peeps.
"Yes." I nod my head.
"Woo! Captain Adumbra! Guardian of the Sleep-Over!" Phantisma raises her wings.
I am so glad they are both alive and in such high spirits. The girls lead Adumbra in their excitement before she can even speak. Poor Captain. I follow them to help the captain put my princesses to bed. I just finished tucking them in and kissing them good night, my weary talon reaching for the entry drape.
Then Phantisma chirps. "Wait Aw'ddy, you didn't tuck in the captain."
"Captain Adumbra does not need to be tucked in." I turn to address my daughter.
"Yes, she does." She insists.
"Is that so?" I fold my arms and lean against the drape-way wall.
"Gadzin! Come on, come tuck me in already Aw'ro." Adumbra teases.
"You are not my Aw'is. Go to bed." I squint my heavy eyes at her, then turn, walking out through the drapeway into the hall.
"You look weary." Devadas looks at me from across the hall with concern.
"I am, and I cannot sleep."
"I've got an idea, let's go down to the lake. You can let everything out. If you want, we can both get drunk and throw things away from everyone else." His smile is gentle.
"Then we better go down to the main bar or kitchen for drinks. I just put the girls to bed."
"Perfect, we can even sneak into there."
"Why would I need to sneak around in my home?" Pretending that I did not do that earlier.
"One, you've been a guest in your own home for ages. Two, it will be fun. Remember that time we snuck into your mother's liquor cabinet?"
"The time I was visiting after becoming guardian? I remember us getting caught." I raise an eyebrow at him.
"No, not that time." Devadas shakes his head.
"Oh, you mean the carnival?"
"Yeah, the carnival." He smirks.
"Devadas, this plan of yours sounds as jovial as it is juvenile. I am far too tired."
~
Staring into the darkness of the lake water, disrupted only by its own flow and the reflection of the lavender waning crescent chaos. A produce box as weary as I am sits to my side, with vampiric wine and space-fae ale. It would be filled, save for the half empty bottle in my talons. Devadas walks back with a bag full of stones in one talon, and in his other a- is that- oh gods, wild clickle-root, dripping with lake water… is he going to… eat that raw?
“Don’t worry, I washed it.” He cheers as he casually drops the bag of stones beside the crate of drinks, then sits at the opposite side of it and pulls out a bottle of ale.
The rattle sound beckons me to take another deep drink. At least clickle-root does not sound like bones or stones.
“You want a bite?” He teases.
“They are obnoxiously rustic when not pickled.”
He takes a bite then drinks from the bottle. “You have mistaken yourself for a vegetable.”
“I wish I could feel like a vegetable.” My eyes look down as my talons and lips take another drink alongside him.
“That is a lie and you know it.” He puts his drink down and grabs a stone, skipping it across the lake. “If that is what you truly wanted, she would have broken you ages ago.”
“I think she finally broke me tonight…” Lifting my eyes to him as a whimper escapes.
He puts his snack in the crate and his drink down, turning toward me. In return, I turn toward him, but grip tight to the empty bottle.
His voice is gentle as he speaks. “Koriath, why do you think she broke you?”
“I did not tell you earlier.” My grip is far too tight on one of the stones gathered. All strength with no dexterity as it sails across the lake air, then sinks with a loud plunk as soon as it hits the black abyss. Drawing my knees to my chest, curling over myself tight. I wish I could put my wings up to hide myself but I have not the inner strength to lift them. Whimpering as I try to answer him while hiding my face within my arms and knees.
“Little Brother, I cannot understand your words.” The clanking shuffle of bottles startles me, then the feeling of the cold neck of a bottle against my arm. “Here, this might help.”
Turning my head toward him while my talon reaches out for the bottle. He moves the rock bag and the crate, moving closer to me. Then he takes the empty bottle from my side, along with his, and creates a pile of empties. He draws another ale from the crate for himself after I take a drink, then follows along. His energy feels quiet and protective, like a true warrior’s grace.
"She was just as violent as last time...in the garden."
Devadas spreads his wings around us, drawing himself closer. His silent tears fall with my lament as he puts an arm around me. My head lowers onto Devadas’s shoulder, my voice shrivels back into meek whimpers.
“...Then for a moment… she was worse. No, nothing worse than that night. This- this was just as terrible, just in a different way.”
“How was it different Little Brother?” His talon hugs my shoulder supportively.
“Thankfully, unlike that night, no one was forced to watch. Yet… there was a painful terror, not just in me.”
“In the cosmos.” Devadas whispers.
“You felt it?”
“I felt the spreading of dark energy in multiple universes, and I knew you were saving Kurai from Malencia, however nothing beyond that.”
Taking a drink, he follows suit.
“In the depth of her soul, she had a hell plane…” My talon clings tight to him. “She had other victims before me, I think. She said I was special and not like them… that was after I broke free of her.”
“She soul assaulted you a second time?”
I can only whimper out what sounds like a yes as I cling to him, then my voice recovers enough to barely project my words.
“When I tried to break free of her again, she told me her body is that of a dead girl. That she stole and harvested lives to age it up or down… and that…”
My arms completely wrap around Devadas as I bury my forehead into his sternum. He holds me tight, his chin over my head, the two of us sharing the pain.
“Korimizyo… I… I barely got home on time to save his soul, but not his life. She confessed not only that it was on purpose… but that the power of a first hatched…”
“Little Brother… Do you think maybe…?”
“She was not lying, there are no words for her vile sincerity.”
Devadas says nothing as he puts our drinks aside, and I begin to weep. He moves his head, leaning his cheek against my head, one of his talons holds the back of my head. He brings us both in to sit together in a closer hug.
“Devadas… I…I made love to a corpse… again and again for fifteen ages… and for the last five, I was … by the entity wearing that corpse. Yet, I, it is my fault. I married her, I brought… that… that fiend into my home, my heart… my soul… I loved… oh gods.”
He continues to hold me as my wailing becomes uncontrollable, this horror, this disgust, this darkness feels inconsolable.
Finally lifting my head to him and relaxing my hold from him, he gently wipes my face with his talon, then guides me to sit beside him.
He reaches back for the drinks beside us, offering up mine and another unopened bottle.
“Dev… I cannot keep going.”
“I understand, it’s alright.”
The two of us continue to drink in silence with an arm around each other. The lake fog starts to roll in with the soft cold breeze as he sets the empty bottles into the pile. He takes the third to the last bottles of wine and ale, one in each talon, withdrawing from me and rising.
“Where are you going?” Looking up from my knees as my talon dries my eyes.
He smirks with a gentle playfulness, the kind that should follow his wit and humor, yet he remains silent and walks with the drinks deeper into the lake shore. The water almost runs to greet him as the girls do. He turns his back to me and raises the drinks toward the night, whispers of chaos’s lunation caught in the glass and his feathers.
“Deities Divine, and especially my patron god Lord Amorani, Great Father, Love Eternal, the Brother of Beauty, I humbly call upon those who hold Divinity in this heart-soul. My friend, my boss, my Little Brother is in need not of simple healing; but as fermented fruits prevent juice from spoiling, bringing them to strength as they age, so too is Karasu Koriath son of the Goddess Hatched Mortal, in need of the same death of his old self, and resurrection into the new fermented life. With this drink, I offer my ale as a gift.”
He pours his beer onto the surf. “So that his gift may be like that of the lotus. Not because his nation or the multiverses need him, but because… because I just think that my friend deserves a new start. Just as this surf washes me, may this wine he drinks not wash the past, but to wash clear the road ahead, whether that road be in this life of his, or his next.”
With this he bows, then returns back to my side, opening the blessed bottle of wine. “Sir, please allow me to serve you.”
“I have no cup.”
“May I pour it into your mouth?”
“...I can just… cup my talons…” I can feel my face draw blank while speaking.
“Oh right, sorry about that. I might have gotten carried away there.” Devadas chuckles.
“That is alright, I would have normally allowed it.”
“No need to explain yourself.” He reassures me.
My talons form a cup, close to my face, Devadas graciously pours and I drink in this blessed wine, feeling the sincerity of his prayer roll down my throat. He hands me the rest of the bottle, then proceeds to take another ale out for himself. Setting my own wine bottle down, then I hold my free talon beneath his drink.
“Allow me my friend.”
He allows me to take his drink from him, which I raise to the Night. I am tired of crying already, and still it happens again, yet my prayer continues regardless. “Divines in my heart… Thank you, thank you for the beautiful souls that I have honor to call friends. Souls that bare their names in my heart, souls like one we call Devadas. I am not worthy to take such blessings alone, allow me to share them. May any blessings that are poured out to me, be not selfishly lapped up, may this libation also grace the souls of those I love and cherish.”
My talons lift another bottle of wine after handing him back his drink. “Quarter for Hokulani, Quarter for Adumbra, half for the gods.”
“CAw’ul.” Devadas toasts in the air.
“CAw’ul.” I take both wine bottles and join them with his ale on a toast.
“I wonder what would have happened if we grew up in the same temple complexes.” I take a drink while gazing into the black water before us.
“We would have been absolute menaces and kicked out, that is what would have happened.” Devadas laughs as he pats my shoulder.
Laughter is not something my heart is truly capable of at the moment. “Devadas.” Taking another drink, hoping to drown the loudness of my mind, but it is not working. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, but that is not all you were going to say, was it?”
Taking another swig for strength and bravery to speak my heart. “I still feel unworthy to start again, I still feel like I have broken my own hon- gods I cannot even say the word… In my reflection, I still see the demonic me that I fought, I still see the so-called fight between Malencia and I, Kurai’s dilated tired eyes… And now I see… Now I see that I am just as guilty as Malencia for all the lives lost. I could have sacrificed myself sooner and saved lives…it would have been worthy.”
“She blinded you, broke your heart and spirit. If you were not immortal, she would have killed you too. Just another prey for that monster. Malencia warped your vision so terribly that even now, you still see yourself as the demon… You want to know what I see with you?” Devadas speaks soothingly before he takes a drink of ale.
Turning myself fully to him as my tears fall to the dirt and sand, silently drinking with him. Seeing the aura of both of us subtly change, both of us cloaked in holy darkness, only for a moment.
"I saw a husband who refused to retaliate against his wife. I see an emperor that would sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of his people." He takes another drink, I follow his lead, with my stinging eyes starting to tear again.
"I see a father who would sell his own body and soul just to keep his childlings safe." He says.
The two of us take another drink together, then Devadas continues. "I see a friend, who would rather internalize all the faults of those he loves into his own. Just to keep those he loves sparkling in his little night heart. He needs to stop that and just let his heart beat free."
"You need to take a medical leave to get your vision checked." This time I chug out of the bottle, while crying silently.
“Little Brother, my vision is clear, why is yours not? You have a holy duty. You were out keeping the multiverses in order. You love your family. Do not blame yourself for not being home, the gods should never have thrusted guardianships to mortals.”
"When I look in my reflection, I see a war prisoner going mad from torture. But it is my fault, I enlisted in that war of a marriage." My body shakes, crying as I struggle to contain my voice at pianissimo.
"I see a pathetic, weak excuse for a father. Four I failed. Four." Then a crescendo. "Three dead and one…” I cannot say it. I need to say it. “And one was stolen and trafficked to Evil Incarnate.”
“Koriath. You are not her spoils nor her prisoner. You are not the pathetic parent, she is. As for Kurai, you and the light guardian rescued her.”
“Devadas, her mind might forever bear the scars of tonight, much like I am still enchained to Malencia. On top of that, the losses do not stop with my little ones. As a friend, as a warrior, I failed Custodio, now Amara is so heartbroken she refuses to fly or use her magic. I am surprised Malencia never laid a talon on Jaques or Amara."
"You did not have anything to do with him transferring to the front lines. Do not blame yourself Koriath. Custodio Muertes passed honorably. Malencia never attacked Jaques or Amara because she gets nothing out of it." Devadas takes a breath for composure.
“Malencia's crimes, I am responsible for."
"Koriath, when have you ever conspired or retaliated against civilians? You have never, you cawed her out every time! Little Brother, you are merciful. You are not petty. You are not power hungry. You love. These are the proof of the purity of your talons."
"Nothing about me feels pure right now." Bringing the bottle to my lips, taking another long drink.
"I'm sorry Little Brother." His voice softens.
These tears rumble into a forte, my talons grip the wine for salvation. My body begins to sink into itself. Devadas puts down his ale on the grass while I finish this bottle through my tears. Devadas gently takes the empty bottle from my talons, setting it down in the empty pile. I erupt with anguished wailing, diving, wrapping my arms around Devadas, hugging him tight as I cry into his shoulder.
"Let it out." Devadas consoles as he gently pats the top of my head and holds me.
“Do you know how terrifying it is to be face to face with Evil Incarnate? She called both me and Evil her toys! Gadzin, she is something else... It is not just the feelings of ruin, ire, betrayal, and shame. Now that we survived, I have to worry about what she will do to the multiverses. I am still the guardian of darkness. The next guardian is either Phantisma or Kurai, one of us three will have to face her sometime."
"I would find great honor in death if it was fighting her to protect you and the princesses. Adumbra would do the same. We are tired of being told to stand back, to the point where we are going to ignore your orders to stand down."
"Thank you, Brother."
Devadas nods with a gentle smile.
"I am sorry I have been telling you two to stay back. I do not want to lose you. Either of you. She would have killed you both.”
“Koriath, you are our emperor, we swore to protect you and yours, even if at the cost of our lives. It hurts us to fail and be dismissed, Adumbra especially.”
“I told you both to leave because without you, I would have been trapped alone with her, for the rest of my life. I firmly believe that Amara and Jaques have survived because you two are around.”
"Koriath…"
“That night Kurai and Phantisma were hatched, Malencia threatened to eat you if you did not leave."
"Excuse me?" He fights to not proclaim.
"I think she still managed to eat my soul too, somehow without actually eating it."
Devadas's expression is paralyzed with a horrifying amalgamation of confusion and holy fury.
My body has another violent wave of crying and shaking, then my heart sinks as I hear three prayerful cries all at once:
"Koriath she's back!"
"Aw'ddy! Captain and Aw'is are freaking out."
"Aw'ddy! Help!"
"Devadas! The girls!" Quickly I grab his talon and bring both of us to fly on energetic darkened mists back to the royal roost loft.