The smell of incense and marijuana filled my living room as I allowed the music to take me to a calmer mental state. Jodeci, H-town, Mary J and various groups from that era of music flowed through my speakers smoothly.
Last night haunted me like a bad dream and my heart was still hurting physically. I couldn’t really believe how I was so wrapped in him that I didn’t pay attention to the signs in front of me.
Well, actually, I can believe it when I pay attention to all that has been laid out in front of me. I'm not insecure in anything that I do or anyone that I am with. I occupy my time with my daughter, work and hobbies. I don’t have the time nor the desire to run after anyone checking voicemails, text messages, or social media accounts. So the late night phone calls and being sent to voicemail at odd hours of the day and night didn’t catch my attention.
He still showed me more than enough love. He still touched me the same, kissed me the same and made me feel as good as I did when we first fell in-love. I just couldn't understand why he felt the need to fuck this woman with no protection. Why would he even risk both of our lives for some gold digging ass hoe? Not all women that dance are whores but both me and him know for a fact that Tasha was worthless as a used condom. She had no real purpose. Hell he didn’t even have sex with me without condoms because we weren’t ready for another child. Or so I thought, because he sure has a baby on the way and it isn’t with me. Just a lousy ass nigga.
“So what you gone do Joiah?” She asked, saying my full name.
Out of all of my family members and friends she was the only one to call me Joiah, instead of Jay. If I pissed her off bad enough she would recite my full government name, Joiah Simone Peters, of which would snap me back to reality long enough to make me want to slap the hell out of her. But I loved that about her. She had her own way of doing things.
“Girl, I told you. Fuck that nigga. I ain’t got time for that bullshit. I don’t even wanna talk about it no more.” I said rolling my eyes in frustration.
“Well why are you still wearing his ring then?” she asked, holding my hand and slowly removing the engagement ring from my ring finger. “I must say he sure does have good taste.” She said as she closely examined the piece of jewelry.
“Well the ring is at least worth three grand at any pawn shop. So I'm going to pawn that bitch and take a trip somewhere. Trinity told me a couple of days ago that she wanted me to take her to Disney World this summer. So that’s what I’ma end up doing with the ring.” I said dryly as a smirk fell upon her exotic features. I remember the days when I used to love her. Back when things weren’t so complicated.
“Yea whatever.” She said rolling her neck as if she was an around the way girl.
“Keep on Karmen. We gone be up in here banging. I told your ass I’m done with this bullshit. Im done with love. I'm done with all this hurt and the remembrance. I'm fucking celibate. “
“Bitch please you can never be celibate. Sell a bit maybe. “ She said with a chuckle “But you and I both know that pussy gotta stay wet and satisfied or else you’re going to destroy everything around you until you get that fix.” She said laughing as if she knew what she was talking about.
“ I got enough toys and porno’s in there to keep me more than satisfied sexually. I can fuck myself better than any nigga or bitch.”
“Not better than me.” She snapped back
“Girl please. I must have forgot to tell you that your sex game sucks.” I laughed giving a thumbs down and laughing dramatically. “ I just told you that you were good because I was in-love with you and didn’t want to hurt your feelings.” I said in a serious tone.
“What the fuck ever Joiah ” She said rolling her eyes and taking a big gulp of the glass of alcholo she had been sipping on.
“What I tell you about that Joiah shit.” I said, blowing smoke from my lungs and passing the weed to her. “I taught you how to fuck me. After I had you wrapped around my finger and fucked you better than anyone you know. You know that pussy got my name etched in the walls.” She said trying to prove a point.
“Yea whatever.” I said rising from the couch and picking up our glasses and walking towards my mini-bar to refill our drinks.
Karmen Sanaah Sanders. The first woman I ever loved. The first woman I had ever explored mentally, emotionally, and sexually. She was my first true love. My only real friend. We met my senior year of high school and she was a sophomore at the only black university that we had in our city. I was going through the break up with my first real relationship and needed somewhere to let go of my pain and anger. I had signed up at the hottest poetry café for open mic so I could share my world with others. So that I could let go and move on. As I stood on stage and spoke with my heart I caught her eyes penetrating my soul. The whole time that I spoke my eyes locked on to hers. She was beautiful. She stood five- foot nine inches. Five inches taller than my short thick frame. She had the thin curvaceous body of a model yet used her height to play basketball with the dream to eventually go pro. I supported that dream because I knew she had the talent and drive not many people did. And like a magnet I was stuck to her ambition.
She had a Dominican, African and Italian background that made her stunning. Her Long sandy brown mane hung to the middle of her back. She was wrapped in silky skin the color of almonds and piercing green eyes that always left me staring at her longer than I ever wanted to. She was captivating and inviting. That night I took her invitation as she asked me questions and I in return picked her brain for answers to the past that made her who she was. We clicked instantly. Like Bonnie and Clyde we never left each other’s sides. Our family's looked at our relationship as if it was some type of taboo. But the heart wants what the heart wants and it was a mutual thing between us. Drama from our home life drove us to moving with each other at the mere ages of eighteen and twenty. We were in love. We were absorbed in each other.
She taught me that too much of a good thing can make you strong but it can also hurt you. After almost of a year of love, things began to change like the seasons. What we had became obsessive and selfish. We no longer knew what it was that we needed to keep us together and to satisfy one another. We knew that chapter of our lives was coming to an end but we kept holding on, only hurting ourselves. Months of arguing with the love hate emotions sent us to a year of silence. We had to let go and heal from a love that was so good we couldn’t tame it.
When I became pregnant with Trinity was when she came back. She walked with me through everything and never left my side. She became my best friend through any and everything. The genuine love that we had before became so much stronger but so much different. It was no longer the past infatuation and sexual satisfaction that bonded us. We were attached at the soul. She was a part of me. I was portion of her.
“So what's going on with Mina?” I asked as I handed her the glass and sat on the couch next to her with my legs prompted across her thighs as she sat cross-legged. Mina was her current place of interest and with meeting her over the past couple of months I liked her style yet I felt as is if Karmen was better than the situation they were in.
“It's going. I can't really complain.” She said with a familiar dryness in her voice.
“Is that so? Well you know I dig her. If she wasn’t yours I might have to give her a try. But I don’t think she the relationship type.” I said as I took a sip from my glass.
“Your bitter ass don’t think that anyone is the relationship type.”
“Get the fuck outta here. I am the queen of relationships. As you can see I am single for a minute if that. Don’t go getting all extra sensitive because she on that new new shit. Ain't my fault ya bitch be on one.” I said rolling my eyes. Karmen is the type that doesn’t like corrective criticism. Defensive is an understatement.
“Bitch please. Why you always got to talk shit?”
“Yea whatever. Hold up!” I said as a familiar beat blared through the speakers. “This is my shit!” I said as I jumped up and started moving my hips to the beat. I sang horribly with KP& Envy.
As I began to dance I saw Karmen's eyes stare at my body. She was trying to stay mad at me as she rolled her eyes at me when I caught her eyes scanning the curves of my hips and ass. It tickled my insides as I smiled and became seductive with my movements. I tried pulling her off the couch so that she could dance with me but she wouldn’t budge so I started to give her a lap dance. As the song came to an end one of slower rhythm came through the room. I began to slowly grind my hips against her thighs while her hands began to caress my back. I relaxed as the alcohol ran through my veins warming my body.
Her hands were soft and warm against my bare skin sending a tingling sensation between my legs. Sexual tension in the room began to rise. One of my biggest weakness is beautiful women and alcohol. I cant seem to keep my hands to myself. Flipping my body towards her I straddled her while still moving my hips to the beat. A smirk came across her face as she watched my round nipples harden underneath the wife beater I wore. As if they were calling her name she answered with a soft squeeze to both of them making my walls pulsate between my thighs.
Pulling me closer she slipped my shirt over my head exposing my breasts. She gently pulled at my nipples again to only replace one hand with her mouth. She suckled softly sending a moan from my lips. I ran my hand through her long hair and pulled softly as she responded by sucking a little harder and then switching to my other breast making sure to not leave one unattended.
We touched. We kissed. We sucked on each other for what it seemed like forever before all of our clothes were removed and I was leading her to my bedroom. Laying her down onto the plush covers I planted warm kisses starting at her neck and down her collarbone making sure to stop at her plump breast and suckling ever so lightly. She moaned and arched her back while I traveled further down her torso to reach my final destination.
Her legs were spread and I could see the wetness seeping from her love canal. I began to lick her pearl using just the tip of my tongue. Her legs spread wider inviting me to go deeper. Spreading her lips for every suck I replaced it with a lick. She moaned. I moaned and applied more pressure. I could tell in her movements that she wasn’t going to be able to last too much longer. She became so wet I couldn’t help but to make a smacking noise. Her pearl grew harder as I pulled back her hood and blew gently. Her body jerked a little but I knew she wasn’t all the way there yet. I used my middle finger and slowly inserted inside of her tight walls. Searching for her spot I continued to move my finger in and out while still continuing the sucking, licking, and blowing motion. Her moans became louder and my pussy got wetter. Her sexual energy was so intense just pleasing her sent spasms through my walls making me feel as if I was on the brink of an orgasm.
“Oooh, right there.” She moaned as I found her secret spot. Applying just enough pressure inside of her walls and still suckling her clit her body began to buck out of control. If I didn’t have a good grip around her waist she would have jumped out of my reach.
“Don’t run.” I whispered as I pulled her closer. “relax.”
Her body became warmer the wetter she was. With one swift movement of my fingers in a ‘come here’ motion she bucked up sending her back into a deep arch and all of her juices squirted all over my chest and chin. Using my other hand that I had on her waist I frantically rubbed her pearl with my two first fingers sending another gush of warm liquid from inside of her.
I pulled away from her as she quickly closed her legs into a fetal position breathing heavily and moaning. Her legs shook a little and I couldn’t help but giggle.
“The fuck you laughing at?” she said breathlessly.
“You.” I said simply as I got up from the bed and walked towards my bathroom to grab a towel so that she could clean herself.
“Joiah you aint even right for that. You just used me for my sex.” She called out to me as I laughed again loud enough for her to hear me over the running water.
“Bitch please you used me for my sex cause as I can see my bed is soaking wet because of your squirting ass. You should be a porn star.” I said tossing the towel at her.
“Its your fault. You got me drunk and took advantage of me.” She said laughing as she gently wiped between her legs.
“Really Karmen? And you believe that shit? You only had like two drinks. You were no where close to drunk. All you gotta do is tell me im the shit. You aint gots to lie to kick it .” I said to her.
“Yea whatever. Lets see how much of the shit you are when the tables are turned.” She said as she quickly pulled me onto the bed.
“We both know I taught you everything you know sweetie.” I said still talking shit as she was now towering over me. She stared at me and it made me blush. Her eyes were so intense I couldn’t help but feed off of her energy.
She was now the one in control and I was satisfied with that. Her soft lips traveled my body into places she hasn’t visited in a long time. That night she helped me release a lot of pinned up energy and stress. Although I know we could never be together again she showed me love, time, and patience. She took care of me just as I would have done for her.
When we woke the next morning there was no awkward silence or uncomfortable feelings. Everything was still the same. That was one thing I admired about our relationship. Sex never changed things. She was still my best friend and I was still hers. She went back to her girlfriend and I went back to being single.