Still shaking, Valerie stripped to her underwear, pulled on her Lainey Wilson T-shirt, and climbed into bed. She turned away from the door and faced the far wall, attempting to stop the tears she didn't feel they deserved.
Replaying the incident in her mind only made her angrier.
First of all, what's so bad about not sleeping with tons of people? Second,
why do they care? And mostly, why would they find it funny? That's not how friends treat each other. It's not how a husband treats his wife.
Twenty minutes later, the bedroom door slipped open, and the air pressure in the room shifted. Still awake, she sensed Rod's presence. Rod whispered, "Val, baby, you awake?" Valerie didn't move.
Rod gave up without a second try and headed to the bathroom. On impulse, Valerie spoke. This time, it wasn't the voice in her head, the voice that always had the witty comeback and always knew exactly what to say... twenty minutes later. This time, actual words came out of her mouth, loud and clear.
From under the covers she said, "You're not walking away from this, Rod." Like a lioness latching onto her newfound courage, she sat up. "We're in trouble, and we can't go on like this."
Rod stopped at the bathroom door. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Just what I said." She spoke louder, letting her frustration run free. "Don't you feel it? Can't you tell how unhappy I am?"
Rod's face told her that he had no idea what she was talking about. "You don't, do you? You think everything is hunky-dory, fine, life is just a dream, right?" she said.
"I got no idea what you're talking about. I think we're doing good. I put this party together for you and..." Rod trailed off.
She swung her feet out of the bed and onto the floor.
"Did you hear everyone tonight? Y'all were ridiculing me for not being a slut. Who does that?"
"Ah, come on. We were just joking," Rod protested.
"I'm tired of people laughing at the things I feel. Today was a big day for me, and I couldn't share it with you because I was sure you'd laugh at me. Isn't that sad?" She held his stare, making her point stick.
"What? It's your 39th th , not your 40." Rod—clueless as always.
Valerie flashed a knowing smile, recognizing the futility of trying to make him understand. She stopped pleading her case and smacked him with the truth. "I've been sneaking around on you. I've been going behind your back!" As anticipated, Rod dismissed her.
"You're just mad. I don't know what the hell you're talking about. I'm brushing my teeth, and then I'm going to bed. If that's all right with you, of course."
"Didn't you hear me? I've been cheating on you!" A sense of invulnerability surged through her.
Rod squinted; he seemed unwilling to believe that it could be possible.
"That's right, asshole. I've been cheating... for six years!"
Now defensive, Rod yelled, "Just shut up!"
She stood to her full height and walked toward him with a taunting scowl. "You want to know what I've been doing? While you've been wallowing in shit, drinking yourself to sleep every night, living your Groundhog Day existence, getting fired from every other job, I've been working. I've been studying. You said I was too stupid, too old to go back to school, but you know what? I just got my bachelor's degree in accounting." "Bullshit!" Rod scoffed.
"I got it today! I am a college graduate." The words flowed out of her mouth like the smoothest, sexiest I-told-you-so ever spoken.
Stepping closer, she put her face next to his. "And not only did I graduate, but I'm summa cum laude."
Rod said nothing. His eyes squinted together, waiting for further explanation.
When he didn't react, she let out a surprised laugh. "Oh, wow!" Her head tipped to the heavens, seeking some enlightenment. "I expected that to impress you. What was I thinking? You don't know what that means!" She laughed again, this time in his face.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Rod quivered, and he turned to leave.
"You know what my number is, hotshot? Ninety-three!" Pride flushed through her. "I got a 93 on my final exam, and I have a bachelor's degree. Ninety-three, motherfucker! That tops Mark's 92!" Her voice exalted in triumph.
Rod shook his head, struggling to say something back. "And you know why I did that? Why I got my degree? Because I'm tired of living like this. I'm tired of being the responsible one with no means to make our life better. You spend shit faster than you make it, and it's hard to keep our heads above water."
"Oh, come on, I contribute a lot." Rod retorted. "Like what? When's the last time you paid the electric or water? Have you ever paid the rent? I don't know what happened to you, but over the years you've just slid back and let me do it all." Val began to pace back and forth.
Rod stammered out a reply. "Well, you got the steady work. You're the one who left CJ's for this supposed 'financial security.'"
Val looked at him, stunned. "Is that how you see it? I have the steady job, so I pay all the bills? What happened to you? You used to have ambition. Rockstar Construction. Remember that? I haven't heard those words in a long time." Clueless and oblivious, he retreated to the bathroom, closing the door as fast as he could. Still, she saw the shame in his eyes. A sweet sense of satisfaction embraced her.
She yelled after him, "And you're gonna start saving to buy a house. No more stupid boats, or bowling balls, or bigger TVs. We're almost forty, and I don't wanna die in this shitty apartment."
She grabbed some clothes for the morning and threw a triumphant middle finger at the bathroom door. "And you're gonna start being nicer to me!"
Pounding down the hall to their guest room, she locked the door and crawled into bed. Snuggling up under the covers, she thought to herself, 93!
She fought to hang onto the triumph that permeated her being, but from her gut, the truth began to show itself. She should be ecstatic; she was ecstatic. After six long years, she had achieved something she had never been convinced she could do. And yet, lying alone in that room, she could no longer deny the doubt cascading through her body. Mingled with her elation was a feeling of abandonment, a bone-chilling loneliness.
After all these years, she finally understood why she had always felt so lonely: she had always been alone. Alone in her marriage, alone with her ambitions, alone in her struggle for happiness, alone in her life.
For the very first time, a future stood in front of her, a future she had worked her ass off to achieve, but the reality terrified her.
And who did this future involve? Rod was her husband; that had to count for something, but he was more of an impediment than anything else. She had no confidence that she could depend on him.
Will he come with me, or is he going to try to blow it up because it isn't his?
She dropped her head to the pillow, and a whimper came out. Pulling the other pillow between her legs, she curled up tight.
Just before she fell asleep, she heard the doorknob shake. She saw the shadow of Rod's feet reflect onto the carpet under the door and heard him mumble, "Fine. Sleep by yourself. It's not like I was going to get any anyhow."