TABLE OF CONTENTS
Chapter 1: How to Be White (An Introduction, Unfortunately)
In which we establish that this book is satire, everyone should relax, and no one is getting a certificate at the end.
Chapter 2: The HOA
A Modern-Day Villain Origin Story
In which we examine the suburban shadow government and its ongoing war against lawn gnomes.
Chapter 3: The Lawn
Your Identity, Your Burden
In which we explore why suburban grass receives more respect than most extended family members.
Chapter 4: The Costco Migration Patterns
In which we study the majestic, chaotic, bulk-buying rituals of suburban white culture.
Chapter 5: Mastering the Art of Small Talk
In which we examine the delicate, meaningless ballet of suburban conversation.
Chapter 6: Pumpkin Spice
A Controlled Substance
In which we investigate the seasonal hysteria that grips suburban white culture every fall.
Chapter 7: The Fitted Sheet Crisis
In which we confront the domestic demon that has humbled otherwise competent adults for generations.
Chapter 8: Potluck Panic Disorder
In which we examine the emotional unraveling that occurs when suburban people are asked to "bring a dish."
Chapter 9: Trailer Park Anthropology
In which we explore the vibrant, chaotic ecosystem of a community held together by duct tape, favors, and questionable decision-making.
Chapter 10: The Bounder Chronicles
In which an aging motorhome becomes a metaphor for survival, stubbornness, and refusing to quit.
Chapter 11: White Culture vs. RV Culture
A Comparative Study
In which two wildly different civilizations are examined by a highly unqualified anthropologist.
Chapter 12: The Drunk Thief
A Trailer Park Constant
In which we meet the woman who will help you search for the thing she stole from you.
Chapter 13: Neighbors, Nuisances, and Community
In which we discover the difference between knowing your neighbors and actually needing them.
Chapter 14: The Great Trash Can Debate
In which grown adults wage psychological warfare over garbage placement.
Chapter 15: Seasonal Decorations and Other Cry For Help Signals
In which suburban households spend entire weekends displaying objects they must later store.
Chapter 16: The Waving Protocol
In which we decode the complicated social obligations associated with acknowledging another human from a moving vehicle.
Chapter 17: The Garage
America's Largest Storage Unit
In which we investigate why two-car garages rarely contain cars.
Chapter 18: The Sacred Ritual of Home Improvement
In which weekend projects expand beyond all reasonable expectations.
Chapter 19: The Myth of Control
In which we finally acknowledge that chaos does not care about lawns, HOAs, or matching patio furniture.
Chapter 20: Conclusion
Please Keep Your Hands Inside the Cart at All Times
In which we discover that suburban life, trailer park life, and RV life are all just different ways of improvising our way through chaos.
Copyright © 2026 by Sammie Settlemire
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of