As the weather cooled outside and there was a harsh chill in the air, Effie put on her new plush, black cloak, which she ordered online, and sat in the dark corner of her bedroom. A few strands of dark hair poked out from underneath the hood. Ready for another adventure, she pulled a book off the shelf and left the present world behind. She eagerly flipped through the pages, feeling as if something wanted to pull her in, so she started to read so that these inner portals might open. Soon, she was involved in stories about fraternities and complex adult relationships. A thought crossed her mind. Would a fraternity accept someone like me? I have trouble trusting authority. That doesn't mean that I don't want to try. Unfortunately, my mother ^[3]^ keeps bothering me. I tried to tune her out. She just didn't understand my needs. I need time alone to explore my thoughts and find answers to my questions. That is part of being a teenager, to push against convention, even if convention is right. If it turns out that it is not, then we'll create a new way.
With no access to privacy, Effie left the condo and wandered in the hillside woods for an hour. She needed to have flowing water nearby. It soothed her. At times like this, she missed the sea, where her family once lived before moving to Vermont a couple of years ago, when Grandma seemed in declining health. In the beginning, it was difficult. She felt like an outsider around these parts. In a way, she still does.
While deep in thought, Effie walked about a mile with the wind rushing around her along with sounds of birds flapping nearby in the trees. Bears were known to be in the area, so she kept vigilant to every sound. Though a few twigs snapped in the distance she didn't spot anything. She used this time to be alone with nature. Some strange chemistry worked through her out here.
I'm just a girl on this side of the Pond, who Dion will never know. But that doesn't mean that her Work has not affected me. I feel that I can help others one day. I just don't know how yet. I feel myself becoming entangled with these books. It is as if they are touching something deep inside of me. Something is happening.
Effie closed her eyes and pictured the character Molly saying the following:
"(Molly speaks)
Lo, I receive the gifts thou bringest me
Life and more life-in fullest ecstasy
I am the Moon, the Moon that draweth thee.
I am the waiting Earth that calleth thee.
Come unto me, Great Pan, come unto me!
Come unto me, Great Pan, come unto me!" – Dion Fortune
Later on, she took out her notebook and pen, and wrote:
What is my destiny? Can I help shape it? Maybe the Forces are in motion.
"There is a life behind the personality that uses personalities as masks. There are times when life puts off the mask and deep answers unto deep."― Dion Fortune, The Goat-Foot God
"Well, that's enough for today," Effie whispered before heading home. The trail was becoming more familiar.
It was getting late, so she had to do her nightly routine. She made sure her studies were done and then took a shower. As time went on, she started to develop her own rituals. This was one of them:
The water invigorated her. She visualized any toxins sliding down her body and going down the drain. Then she dried off with a fluffy towel, lit a black and white candle, and used myrrh oil to anoint her body as she recited the mysterious words said to have been written on the Goddess Diana's belt:
Aski-Kataski
(Darkness and Light)
Haix-tetrax
(Earth)
Damnameneus
(the sun)
Aision
(truth)
Effie had developed a love for Moon Goddesses, and this was a way to honor them, such as Artemis/Diana and Isis. And it was important to her to come up with ways to incorporate them into her own rituals. Little by little, she created personal ways to touch the Unknown.
While blow drying her thick hair that evening, she heard her Dad call her, so she cautiously opened the door, wondering if she did something wrong. She wrapped her hair in a pink towel and slowly went to the living room. Her Dad was lounging in front of the large TV, which was lined on both sides with book shelves. A cozy couch and chair were across from it, with a coffee table on an oriental rug between them. When he noticed her peeking around the corner, her father held up a book, but she couldn't see the title.
"I noticed that you were reading Dion Fortune the other day," Bob casually told her, "And though I've never really got into esoteric subjects after college, I do have one of her books on my bookshelf."
"Oh, really? Which one?" Effie asked, stepping closer and wondering why she never noticed it before.
"I remember liking the stories in it. Maybe you will too. It is called The Secrets of Doctor Taverner."
"I haven't seen that one yet."
"I know that your grandma read these books. In fact, I gave her a couple of them after she lost her sister and they seemed to help her."
"Yeah, I found two of them in her basement," Effie confessed. "Can you tell me about her interest in these books?"
"No, not really. She was an avid reader like me. I stumbled upon them long ago and then shared them, but she never mentioned them after that."
"That's too bad. I would have loved her opinion."
"They deal a lot with psychology. That's all I know. Well, give it a read and see if you like it."
"Thanks. I will."
Almost jumping up and down, Effie accepted the small purple volume with happiness. She hugged her Dad and then ran to her room to begin reading it. She had a little time before bedtime and didn't want to waste a moment before diving in. She wasn't disappointed. She fell in love with the characters and wanted a Dr. Taverner of her own.
Hearing the conversation, Rose snuck over to the man sitting down to watch sports and asked him, "Are you sure that she should be reading books like that? My mother read that strange stuff."
"I think it might do her some good," he assured her. "Effie has cheered up since your mother passed, and I think reading Hattie's books has helped her through some hard times."
"I guess you're right. She seems less morbid these days, but I think she needs to be around people more."
Bob embraced the woman whose recent stress seemed to be taking its toll on her, but like Effie, she tried to work her way through it in her own way. For her, it was more about keeping busy and finding certainty in the Known while Effie preferred diving into the Unknown.
So how does this work? How does all this wisdom help her? Effie was still a high schooler with anxiety. No one found her special or talented in any way, at least in her mind. As far as she was concerned, her own birth mother abandoned her. That hung over her like a shadow. Her adopted mother once hinted that her birth mother had been young and on drugs, which made her feel like an unwanted accident. Because of that, she developed an attachment disorder that she spent years working through. Some progress had been made, though.
When feeling down one day, Effie met with Dr. Mac Arthur, who gave her a few minutes of her time before the end of the day. Effie started to look up to her, but she was afraid that she'd be seen as a bother. She just wanted someone to talk to, even though talking was so difficult at times. The woman in the dark blue pantsuit seemed too elegant, so pulled together.
Inviting her to sit next to her desk, Iona told her, "Keep your grades up, Effie. You need to keep your duties to the physical realm too. Balance both or you will doom yourself like so many others who can't function. They long for the other side and end up mentally lost as if with the fairies. Take your time and develop your spiritual side in a safe manner. There is no rush. You will find all that you need in time."
"But I want to be of service and be of use."
"Noted. And you will be called."
"I'm ready."
"But realize that this Path will demand so much from you and drag you through great strife."
"I'm willing to pay that price."
"Why?"
"Because my heart desires nothing more."
"Then it shall be."
"Will you be my Dr. Taverner?"
"Effie...."
Effie pulled her book, The Secrets of Dr. Taverner, from her backpack and proudly displayed it.
"Have you read it?"
"Yes, and it is one of my favorites. Dion Fortune seemed fluent in Carl Jung's Work, and so am I, which is one of the reasons that I love her."
"Come on, Dr. MacArthur. Guide me. It could be fun. I'll be your sidekick."
"Then let's get you into college. You might like to get into psychology."
Effie grumbled and said, "I can't afford college and my grades aren't good enough for a scholarship."
"If you really want to go, I can help you find a way."
Tired of the conversation, Effie said, "I have to catch my bus."
Dr. Mac Arthur sighed and remarked, "Okay, Effie. But keep what I said in mind."
"Okay."
"If you want, why don't you use your creativity to write?"
"I do."
"I know that you keep a journal. Why not try fiction too? Create adventures. Make me a character if you wish. Through the magick of storytelling, you might even learn something. Amazing things can happen. I can help guide you with that and give you some pointers."
"Like Dr. Taverner?"
"Well, I don't know. Let's see what you write first and I'll do my best."
The usually forlorn girl cracked a smile and said, "I might consider that."
The blond with the high cheekbones and bright eyes seemed pleased, and young Effie with the elvish ears put the idea on the backburner for the time being, though kept it lit as a possibility. No one ever told her to be a writer before. ^[4]^ It kind of made sense. Maybe if someone believed in her she could believe in herself.
Her first attempts at fiction didn't amount to much. She realized that she needed experience from which to pull from. While also exploring technique, which she struggled with, she continued her journal. Surely that would be a source to work from. Though her writing wasn't perfect, she put her heart into it.
I need more help. I'm alone here. Which direction should I go? How do I find my way! I feel a great pull, but to where? I don't know how to reach the Caller! But I'm listening. Who are you? How do I find you?
Effie thought back to the time when she was at a slumber party and the other girls said they were going to invoke Bloody Mary. She didn't believe in fairy tales or urban legends, but she was a little scared anyway and told them so. The other girls laughed. Because Effie was younger, they said that she couldn't join in. They locked her out of the room while they turned in circles, saying Bloody Mary 3 times and then looking into a mirror. Supposedly, an image of Bloody Mary would appear. ^[5]^
Effie stood there quietly listening, becoming worried. Would something really appear? All of a sudden, screams filled the air along with the sounds of banging against the walls as if the girls were being thrown about. Imaging the worst, Effie screamed and tried in vain to open the door to help them, but it was locked. She struggled with the knob. After a few minutes, the girls unlocked the door and let her in while giggling. They teased her for falling for it. She had really been traumatized by this, but they didn't seem to realize that. She also felt stupid. Because of this, she still didn't trust that any of this was real, yet also feared that she might be in over her head with things that she might not completely understand.
Another time, they played with a Ouija board until they scared themselves silly with it. Effie didn't know what to make of it, but she wondered if someone pushed the planchette, as it knew too much. It kind of scared her. These early experiences left an impression on her.
Lately, Effie felt a little overwhelmed with the occult too, wondering how much was real? What if it was all in her head? What if this was all for nothing and there was no other realm besides this one? Maybe it was just make-believe. It kind of felt that way without any real results. This thought sent her dangling on the edge of an inner precipice. If all her hopes and dreams would never become real, then what was it all for? Despair flooded through her as if about to devour her soul. She needed this all to be real and to give all of herself to it, but how?
Frustrated, she threw her notebook and shouted at the Unknown. "Tell me you are real! I won't go any further until you do!"
The inner pain was very real and so was the desire to serve something greater than herself. Here she was, longing and wanting to offer herself, but what if she was rejected like she felt in real life? Anxiety caused her to tremble and feel like she was being weighed down. If she was meant to be on this Path, wouldn't the way be set for her? Thoughts like this occupied her mind. She held her head in despair. I don't want to be duped again!
Breathing hard and trying to control her anger, she stared at the usual bedroom with the twin bed, dresser and desk, as well as the little things that made it special such as her stuffed animals, books, and posters. But there was nothing else visible, and loneliness sank her to dark places! There has to be more! She almost hyperventilated.
Her raging emotions were palpable. She clenched her fists and glared, ready to challenge All That Is. That anger gave way to a fragile hope and she waited; her entire future in the occult hinged on this moment. Is this real? Tears started to well. It was as if her love spiraled out from her heart like tentacles seeking to reach something profound. Then in that moment of great darkness, a rift between this world and some other must have momentarily taken place, because an ethereal image of a rose materialized in thin air before her, possibly using the energy from her emotions. ^[6]^ So delicate, it was as if a hologram of some sort, but how?
Frozen, she beheld the pale red rose with opening petals in awe. Just then, it began to slowly move toward her as if by unseen hands, and she watched wide eyed and curious as it came in contact with her chest and disappeared. Such a profound moment! Though not physical in nature, it had been very real on some level.
After the shock and confusion, and wondering if it was truly real and how was this possible, a knowing warmth came over her. This was real. Even though she felt joy, a stray tear rolled down her face, because something or someone reached out to her, and she no longer felt so alone or in doubt. Overcome, she fell to her knees in gratitude, trembling from the recognition that she wasn't alone or unheard after all. She felt a little ashamed that she had doubted, but now she had the proof that she needed to dedicate herself to the Great Work.
Thank you, whoever you are! I'll never ever forget what you did for me in this moment. I don't know who you are, but you reached out to me and kept my soul alive. And I am reaching back to you with all that I am. I will pursue the Mysteries with dedication.
I found this quote of Dion Fortune and it made so much sense to me:
"To say that a thing is imaginary is not to dispose of it in the realm of mind, for the imagination, or the image making faculty, is a very important part of our mental functioning. An image formed by the imagination is a reality from the point of view of psychology; it is quite true that it has no physical existence, but are we going to limit reality to that which is material? We shall be far out of our reckoning if we do, for mental images are potent things, and although they do not actually exist on the physical plane, they influence it far more than most people suspect." –Dion Fortune