Over the doorway to her room, the girl in black leggings and striped T-shirt painted the words "Know Thyself." Her dad, who carried mail into the house, grinned when he passed by and that set her mind at ease. Years ago, Effie had curiously flipped through her dad's bookcases, sampling books about ancient Egypt and Greece, and even The Egyptian Book of the Dead. ^[2]^ Maybe they weren't so different after all. She felt more of a connection to him lately and less out of place. Her years in foster care seemed a distant memory now. She could put that pain behind and focus on finding new meaning.
Journal writing helped her make sense of it all. In a way, she was always drawn to ancient mysteries. Dion Fortune gave her a way of seeing and feeling these things in a new light. It made the world less chaotic and offered a potential meaning, which she tailored to her perspective.
Effie's latest thoughts about Dion Fortune:
Her books tell me that women matter and can also be powerful. And I want to know more about her experiences. I imagine myself there with her, as if witnessing what her time period was like, but it is difficult. I haven't a clue about Great Britain or its power spots. Maybe the magnetic pull I feel is in my soul. It might know more than my conscious mind knows. There, I entered a secret temple in my imagination. Wrapped in my cloak, I closed my eyes and felt the silence. I practiced my visualization skills and told myself that I will work hard to grow in wisdom.
With her newfound insights, Effie sought a deeper sojourn into these esoteric realms. Not sure how to get there yet, she decided that nature might teach her something. Her previous walk had enchanted her a great deal. So with a bag of tools such as a candle and matches, she took another trek to the same whispering woods by the river. Her boots struggled over some of the sloping terrain. And to make matters worse, it started to gently rain and would probably get sloshy before long. Somehow feeling the cool air and hearing a distant owl made it all worth it. At least, she'd forge some connections within and marvel at those without.
After finding a clearing, Effie lit the candle and placed it under the shelter of a thick branch of a fallen tree. The flame swayed and dimmed before rising again. When in the right mood, she raised her arms and recited the following Isis invocation:
"Oh Isis, veiled on earth, but shining clear
In the high heaven now the full moon draws near,
Hear the invoking words, hear and appear-
Shaddai el Chai, and Ea, Binah, Ge." –The Sea Priestess
Standing there under the moon, a sense of power and awe surged through her. She didn't feel alone. Leaves rustled, but nothing emerged from the woods. Still, she felt a presence. She later recorded how she felt:
I almost hoped to see a wandering lady in a cloak. I was ready for some mystery and was anxious to follow her. To my sadness, she did not appear out of the mist.
After marking a space as if a world between worlds, I lit a white candle and placed it on the damp earth. It was as if a beacon to the secret realms and with me hoping to find a guide. Vibrations gave me a sense of inner fire, as if something started to work through my spirit.
Then in my dreams yesterday, a woman appeared to me. She had her face covered, so I'm not sure who she could be. I hoped she'd speak to me, but she didn't. I imagined that she was Morgan. Maybe I was creating some mental link to some idea of who she was or what she might mean to my consciousness. I hope it gets stronger.
Like the couple in the book, I'd like to work with my crush, Ish Martin, but he doesn't want anything to do with me. Where is my Wilfred? Maybe a Sun Priest needs to come to me.
After a brief pause to do homework, Effie worked on her Book of Shadows. It was just an extra notebook she didn't need for school, but she filled it with quotes and symbols, hoping they'd unleash inspiration for her deeper spiritual quest. Reading Dion Fortune turned on an inner faucet in her until the water overflowed and carried her downstream to ancient waters she didn't know existed. Maybe Dion Fortune could continue this adventure for her. That meant more books. Hopefully tomorrow after school she could work on that.
With new layers of self-discovery to work through, the teen wrote in her diary on a regular basis. She needed to satiate this growing hunger inside of her as well as make sense of it. This provided a method in which to do that.
I'm alone, but when I read her books I feel noticed and called home. But where? I've never been to Great Britain. Maybe home is somewhere else. Here? Wherever I am? Or has my spirit already touched that sacred spot in some way?
With limited funds, the library was her best bet in order to find more books. A mile away, the small brick building in town had a small selection of esoteric titles, but fearing the nosy librarian might judge her, Effie nervously put a copy of Twilight on top of the Dion Fortune title, hoping Ms. Winters wouldn't notice her other book choice. After all, The Goat-Foot God title might whisper about her interest in paganism and the occult. If it did, the woman with the tidy brown pony-tail and glasses didn't react. She simply recorded the books and handed Effie back her library card, and so the awkward teen quickly grabbed it along with the books, which she promptly deposited in her backpack.
"Thanks," Effie mumbled to the woman in the cream-colored blouse and neutral pants, who merely nodded with disinterest.
At least the walk home was pleasant. She pet a Golden Retriever being walked by its owner, who didn't seem to mind the Goth girl and even smiled at her. Her mood had softened lately, maybe realizing that she needed interactions with others. They might have something to teach her. Perhaps, they would be put right in her path for a reason, but how would she know?
When she got home, she wrote:
Today, I went to the library, but there wasn't a good selection. I found one Dion Fortune book called "The Goat-Foot God," wondering where this one might lead me. Okay, Pan, I guess it is time to meet you....
After a quick snack of hummus and warm naan bread, Effie started reading about the betrayed widow named Hugh Paston, whose wife cheated on him, and also about the charming bookseller named Jelkes, who offered Hugh occult books in which to open the horizons of this desperately unhappy man. Silently, she cheered him on. Come on, Hugh, believe in yourself!
Wide-eyed and eager to know what her own future might bring, Effie imagined herself pursuing Pan, the All. What might that bring? She followed the story to see how she might bring that about. After all, she didn't know where to start. The book might offer clues, she wondered.
Feeling inspired once more, Effie grabbed her green notebook and wrote:
I wanted to visit that cozy fictional bookstore and have a steaming cup of tea with the characters. I'm lonely out here too. To whomever is watching over me, help with my spiritual awakening. Send me a "Jelkes." Please!
While deep in thought, Effie stared at the ceiling, where paint started to crack as the house settled over the years. Thoughts about school, her grandmother, as well as her new spiritual journey competed for attention. Soon she got sleepy and random images filled her head. A woman with a loose, brightly colored dress and big hat walked by her bed. Effie sat up with a start and clawed each direction with her eyes. She blinked and shook her head. A hallucination? A waking dream? Probably.
Not wanting to endanger her hold on reality, she did grounding exercises and tried not to get misled in her zeal. Her latest entry read:
I wish I lived in Fortune's time period. I feel so out of place here, but I pull a book from my shelf and get to spend some time in her world and time period. Of course, I wouldn't have wanted to be alive during a World War with all its horror, though I'd like the chance to speak to her and have my questions answered. Too bad time travel hasn't been invented yet. But at least I have her books, which might yet do that for me.
Today, I chose The Goat-Foot God. I only read the first few chapters so far. I guess, like the character Hugh Paston, I need a "sulfur lick" too. Sometimes we think that we only need the positive, but facing the darkness can help us navigate the light better. I understand Hugh's need to find Pan. I felt it too. It was an odd sense of longing as well as fear of the Unknown. My inner pipes called to Him, though I didn't know if He'd answer.
Soon it was as if hidden chamber doors flung open, beckoning for me to enter. It was as if I've waited all my life to get here, and yet it didn't happen until my grandmother passed away and her books set me on this journey. Now I'm throwing myself out there, hoping to find connections to all that I've felt that I have loved and lost. I want to be found and connected to something or someone again. Maybe to Pan? Io Pan.
Feeling more confident, Effie planned a ritual for Pan. It was quite simple. First, she bathed and then put on a green tunic, which was once a Halloween costume that her Grandma had made for her. It was loose and a little long, but it created the feel that she hoped for.
She then attempted to consecrate a circle to the best of her know-how after watching YouTube. With her notes nearby, she did a Qabalistic Cross and then a fumbling Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram on her first attempt. A little embarrassed in case unseen Beings watched, she took a deep breath and forgave her errors. It took a moment to regain her confidence. Afterward, she stood before her altar, ready to proceed. She eagerly lit the candles and became entranced by the dancing flames.
The mood of her room changed as if transporting her to a place between worlds and a time outside of a linear one. At least, that was the sense of the room where she often engaged in make-believe, but this felt different from that. The smell of heavy incense reminded her that this was sacred space. Smoke swirled above her. She had chosen an earthy scent in which to tap into her untamed nature. Patchouli did that for her. Its muskiness lured her with visions of a horned Pan enchanting her with His flute and the sweet call to embracing the Divine in nature and in herself. Perhaps they'd meet at the water's edge, where she'd swim and sing a song to Him. When duly inspired, she recited the following with her arms raised:
"He shall wake the living dead –
Cloven hoof and hornèd head,
Human heart and human brain,
Pan the goat-god comes again!
Half a beast and half a man –
Pan is all, and all is Pan.
Come, O Goat-god, come again!" – The Goat Foot God
At that moment, a large deer jumped over a thicket and raced right by her. They both startled each other, but the buck disappeared into the woods before she even knew what had happened. It took a moment to calm her beating heart. That powerful animal must have been a sign.
Besides that, she wasn't sure what else to do, so she thanked Pan and tried a banishing from her crude research. Having to read from her notes, she felt a little self-conscious, wondering if she fumbled too much. She didn't let it get her down. Each time would be easier.
"Magick is real. I know it. I will find my way," she whispered to herself. "I have to."
"Forgotten are the ways of sleep and night,
Men seek for them, whose eyes have lost the light,
Open the door, the door that hath no key,
The door of dreams, whereby men come to thee" – The Goat Foot God
Feeling overjoyed with her experience in nature, she went home, sat on the edge of her bed and tried to find more ideas from her pile of books. But her dad unexpectedly came into her room and stopped at the end of her bed, where she awkwardly looked up. She hoped he didn't ask too many questions, but tried to quell her annoyance. She wondered if he'd notice the lingering smoke.
"Hi, Dad."
Bob had lines around his eyes and mouth, which he called his laugh lines. They seemed deeper these days, though she wasn't sure it was from laughing.
"It is good to see you reading."
Effie nodded, though didn't really want him to see what she was reading. She turned her book upside down on her lap and waited for him to speak.
Bob was tall, thin, with glasses. His hair started graying these last few years. It softened his features. He looked a little tired, but sincere.
He gently asked, "Are you adjusting okay? I know things have been tough these last few months."
"You sound like my school counselor."
"Yeah, but I'm your father and want to make sure that you know that I'm here for you. I'm doing my best, Effie. I'm just trying to keep communication open."
Lowering her head, she appreciated his effort, but really wanted her space too. Sometimes, they felt so distant, but at least he was trying. Maybe she should try harder too.
"Thanks, Dad," Effie finally told him with a small smile, "And, yes, I'm doing okay. Don't worry."
"Good. Then I'll see you at dinner."
Effie nodded and watched him go. She read a little more and then headed to the kitchen. She didn't want to give them any cause for alarm. In fact, she felt better than she had in a long while, but she didn't know how to broach the topic about her new interests or if they'd even understand.
Maybe she couldn't stop this interest even if she wanted to. That evening, she stumbled across the blog of an author who seemed the most knowledgeable about Dion Fortune. If only she could have tea and a chat with him some day, she thought. She'd learn so much! His name was Alan Richardson, and his insights provided a way to know Dion Fortune better. He was a kindred spirit and his words described exactly how she felt. How did he do that? Maybe Dion Fortune had a way of reaching people who could benefit from her. She lights a fire in us to pass onto others. He wrote:
"In fact, no one stumbles upon her by accident. We are drawn to the essence of this rare being like moths to the flame. Or to use a more exact (if less poetic) analogy, like moths to the light bulb: bashing against it again and again, head on, getting somewhat frazzled and almost blinded, but never wholly consumed." Dion Fortune: Moon Priestess, Alan Richardson
Now there was someone who knew how she felt! She'd no doubt get quite a bruise on her head from repeated bashings, not to mention a nasty burn or two. Like he said, maybe her stumbling onto Fortune was no accident. In a way, it felt like destiny. She was sure of that now. And when she was done reading Fortune, she'd turn to his books for more direction. Even though she never met him, she sensed a kindred soul and she appreciated knowing that his writing would inspire her as well.