"If we inhibit our breathing we isolate ourselves from the medium in which we exist. In all Oriental and mystic philosophies, the breath holds the secret to the highest bliss. That is why breathing is the dominant factor in the practice of Yoga."
― Alexander Lowen, The Voice of the Body
Last summer, I would lie on my side and hear the loud crackles in my lungs as I tried to breathe. It was like drawing air into a sea of fluid. I felt like I would suffocate. The doctor never x-rayed my lungs. Didn't care. Just gave me an inhaler like I've used on and off for decades. Both my parents died young of C.O.P.D. Maybe I will too. But to worry about death is to deny your life, and I'm here right now. And I plan to be for quite a while.
I don't take breath for granted. And if it is true that "breath holds the secret to the highest bliss," maybe I'm not reaching my potential. Likewise, I tend to withdraw from life. Maybe I'm not inhaling and exhaling life like I should. I recognize this flaw. Maybe I should listen.
"The Tantric sages tell us that our in-breath and out-breath actually mirror the divine creative gesture. With the inhalation, we draw into our own center, our own being. With the exhalation, we expand outward into the world."― Sally Kempton, Awakening Shakti: The Transformative Power of the Goddesses of Yoga
That is my hardest lesson - expanding out into the world. It is easier to sit in my usual space and retreat into myself. Dealing with other people can be taxing, frustrating and even painful. But we must never close ourselves off, because that would be like shutting out the breath that we need to take in from the world and then offer back out to it. And we would wither away from all the vital things that we will lack.
I remember as a kid, trying to learn how to swim. At first, I was so afraid to go under water; worrying about breathing and drowning. Finally, I got the courage to try. After much worry, I finally took in a deep breath, as if holding something so sacred and trusted. Then I lowered myself under the cool water as if into a new aspect of the world, which I longed to join. Realizing that I could do it brought me great joy. I loved water. I needed it just as I needed breath, even if I must give up one in order to appreciate the other in turns. And when I finally was able to open my eyes and swim under water, it was like a whole new level of experience and understanding - like visiting fish in their element while I was an alien in their kingdom. As a little girl, I sat in the sand with my legs in the water, wishing they turned into a mermaid tail.
Worry and doubt take away our breath too. I learned that I can't worry about breathing. Relax. Take it slow. Go where it takes you.
One of my worst asthma attacks was in my twenties, before I ever had an inhaler. In the middle of the night, I went outside and sat on my apartment steps in freezing weather (I've known some people who have asthma attacks from the cold, but it soothes me. It is -1 degree F right now and I feel exhilarated). Sitting there alone in the dark, I just focused on each inhalation and exhalation, which many people take for granted. While feeling squeezed as if almost out of my own life, I fought harder, reaching for my life with each tormented breath. Sometimes, you have to fight for what you want.
"The fact is that when we focus on the breath, we are focusing on the life force. Life begins with our first breath and will end after our last. To contemplate breathing is to contemplate life itself."– Larry Rosenberg, Breath by Breath
I also realized that I need to focus on meaning and purpose while here. I can't control everything that happens, but I have to go with the flow of it, just like inhaling and exhaling. No matter how much I might want to, I can't close off or shut out, because that would be impeding my own life force and what it was meant to do. So I will breathe. I will reach for bliss with each inhalation. And I will exhale all my worries and doubts. And repeat.
"Man was created of the Earth, and lives by virtue of the air; for there is in the air a secret food of life...whose invisible congealed spirit is better than the whole earth."- Michael Sendivogius
We can't shrink ourselves because the world is cruel or intolerant or hateful.
"Ancient Egyptian cultures also recognized the importance of the breath, the evidence of which we see today in the many ancient statues that had their noses broken off but otherwise were left untouched. This defacement was no accident, but a deliberate act by conquering groups to take the life, in this case the breath of life, away from these icons."- Michael J. Stephen, MD, Breath Taking
In a way, breathing is an act of rebellion. It says that we are here and living our purpose. And we will do it with every focused, sometimes tormented, but appreciated breath. Breath isn't just air. It is our power and life force, and it is what connects us to the world and to others. Hate and fear can drown us. But love and purpose free us from those clutches. So breathe, long and hard...and with your Will behind it.