Dreama’s Diary–October 24
Stefan came in today. He acted businesslike. He even wore a bow tie. I thought we were friends. Times like these make me wonder if it has all been in my head up until now. Maybe I read too much into it.
My head ached. It was too difficult. Nadine always told me that Stefan had it bad for me. So why do I have a hard time thinking that it is real? Now, I’m not sure about anything.
I’m the type of person that needs validation. If I’m not sure of your friendship, I pull back. I have to wait for you to reach out again before I can tip toe back to a state of trust. If you are distant, so will I be.
I cleaned up some tables, but my mind wandered. It wanted to escape my obsessive thoughts and dwell in some fluffy reality away from me. Too bad I can’t. Perhaps when I stop fighting myself, I will allow myself some happiness.
So what are my options? My passive-aggressive self says to ignore him. My obsessive self says to shut up and just throw myself at him. My social phobic self says to give up and move to Tibet. My rational side says to wake up and smell the coffee. Oops, there is none brewing, so I guess it is back to the other choices.
Sometimes I think I should have been a comedian. I at least amuse myself. I’m taking a deep breath. Now, if only the rest of the world could do the same.