Dreama’s Journal–January 5
Today was difficult. I had to deal with Henry going to North Carolina for a few weeks to fix some equipment and to help his dad’s neighbor build a new fence. There would be good money coming, he said. There would be other money making opportunities in the country while he waited for word about his job starting back up. He couldn’t pass it up. I suppose he is right. It’s just that I wanted him and I to spend time on us.
His mother is a homemaker. She always wore dresses and never cut her hair. Sometimes I felt that she didn’t approve of me. I was a woman of my era, not hers. I wanted her to see my worth.
His father was a farmer who also worked in a steel mill. Hardworking, he took pride in his family and to protect them from tornadoes, droughts, fires and illness. I wanted Henry to do that.
I did what I needed to do. I packed up a diaper bag and took Ana to my mom’s townhouse. Ally Pearl always found time for her family too. I needed someone to talk to.
I liked her home. Tiny and tidy with a wildlife theme, it wasn’t traditional. She devoted her time to painting animal scenes. She sold a few here and there. My dad and social security provide the rest of her finances. I know he still loves her. They never said why they split up. I think I know. She is like me.
“What’s wrong, dear?” she asked, preparing tea for us in her small, yellow kitchen. She had painted giraffes and zebras above the stove. She said it made her less lonely.
“Nothing.”
Mom shook her head. Her curls bounced. I think she wondered why I didn’t speak my mind. A mother can sense when something is wrong.
“Do you still see that man, Stefan, at work?”
“Yeah, he comes in sometimes.”
“I’ve been spying on my neighbor, Alonzo. He’s got great legs,” Mom said. “Come. Drink some tea. Ana is fine playing with those boxes.”
I obeyed and joined her on the leopard-print couch. Inside my mother’s upright exterior was an Amazon who wanted to be free. I laughed.
“So is Alonzo your latest infatuation?”
“What? You don’t think your old mother can admire a man?”
“I suppose. It doesn’t hurt to look. Is it wrong?”
“Now that depends on you, doesn’t it? We all make our own choices.”
“Is that why you and dad aren’t together?”
“No,” she scowled. “It was nothing I did. We just grew apart.”
Ana crawled over to me and patted my boots. Then she pulled herself into a standing position and hugged my knee. Her dimples showed as she grinned. She adores me, that is for certain. Even when cranky and throwing a tantrum, we matter to each other. All she asks for in return is for my unconditional support and a safe place to learn and grow. I scooped her up. Her eyes lit up and she giggled. I never wanted to disappoint her as a mother.
“Is everything okay with you and Henry?”
“I hope so,” I told her with a shrug. “I would be happier if he were home and spending time with us.”
“He is going through a rough time, dear. It can’t be easy being out of work from time to time. Make sure that he knows that you are there for him.”
“Am I ruining things by daydreaming about Stefan?”
“Not if you are smart.”
The room smelled of black tea and vanilla candles. It had a calming effect on me. I loved spending time there with my mother. Her well-lined face possesses an inner glow. She’s content in her world and I admire that.
“Do you think I will ever let you down?”
“Where is all this coming from?” she asked, placing her warm hand on top of mine. “Live life, daydream and then find the bridge that safely passes between them both. That is all I can tell you.”
I think I know that bridge. I’ve fallen off of it many times.