Hope was ill at ease. Ian had found her napping yesterday. She had nothing prepared for dinner. He was unusually calm about it, though, and Hope wondered why.
Instead of walking around the house berating her, he took her out for dinner and made pleasant small talk. Did Dr. Prentice talk some sense into him? If so, Hope wasn’t so upset about him seeing her so much anymore.
Hope was excited because Vaughn was coming over to the house for an afternoon of fooling around. He worked the evening shift at the Ascot Bar and Grill, so he and Hope could spend the entire afternoon together when no one was home.
Hope felt safe about Vaughn coming over to her house without getting caught. Ian’s family home was in that kind of lower-class neighborhood where people kept to themselves, so there wasn’t any chance of word getting back to Ian about their affair.
Thank God.
If he did, she could go back and try her luck at dancing again.
It wasn’t so bad, and the money was hers to spend as she wanted.
Hope had a special outfit picked out for Vaughn. It was a short and clingy pink knit dress that Ian wouldn’t let her wear in public.
Vaughn loved it.
It was the dress that she had worn the first time she and Vaughn had met.
One night, when she and Ian had gone too many rounds, Hope took a cab to the Ascot to get drunk; there was Vaughn, tending bar. Vaughn listened to all of Hope’s problems and made her apple martinis until she felt like she could go home.
He gave her his number, and their relationship began.
It was karma.
Hope was touching up her makeup when she heard the doorbell ring.
She knew it was Vaughn; she was excited and nervous at the same time.
She was going to tell him that she was leaving Ian.
“Hope, you look awesome,” he said when she opened the door.
“You, too.”
Vaughn, sweating from cycling, took Hope in his arms and gave her a deep kiss. They embraced, and Hope quickly ushered Vaughn into the house, just in case. He sat on the worn brown plaid sofa while she went to the kitchen.
“Are you thirsty?”
“Yes, I’ll have a water.”
“Good, because that’s all Ian lets me have in the house.”
“How is the jackass these days?”
“Same as ever. That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.”
Hope brought out two bottles of water and sat next to Ian on the couch.
“Oh?”
“Yes. I have great news. I’ve decided I’m going to leave Ian for you. Isn’t that great?”
Vaughn’s smile faltered.
He didn’t drop it all at once; it slowly disappeared until his look was grim. He shifted on the couch, wiping a bead of sweat from his temple with the back of his hand.
“Wow,” he said finally. “That’s big.”
Hope’s heart beat faster, but not in a good way. “Big good, right?”
Vaughn didn’t answer right away. He took a long drink of water instead, the bottle crackling in his hand. “Hope, I thought you were just… you know. Blowing off steam with me. I didn’t think you were actually going to leave him.”
“But I am.” She scooted closer, placing a hand on his knee. “I’m serious. I’m done with Ian. I want to be with you.”
He winced, subtle but unmistakable. “Hope…”
Hope got a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. She wanted Vaughn as her knight in shining armor. Someone to take her away from all of her misery. She was becoming frightened of Ian and needed an escape. She had put all her hope in him, and now he was hesitating.
“We are going to be together, aren’t we?” she asked Vaughn.
“We’re already together, babe. Isn’t that enough?”
“No, it isn’t,” Hope said. “I want to run away with you, as you promised.”
“Now, Hope,” he said, “I didn’t exactly promise to take you away from all of this.”
Hope teared up.
“Are you serious? I was depending on you. I can’t stay here anymore.”
“I didn’t realize things were so bad, and I’m sorry about that, but I’m not the kind of guy to rescue anyone from anything. I’m more like the guy you call when you want a good time.”
“I thought we had something, Vaughn.”
“We do Hope, just not the kind of thing you want to blow up a marriage for. I can barely take care of myself. Let alone another person.”
“You don’t have to take care of me, I’ll get some money from the divorce. That will last us for a while.”
“That’s nice, sweetheart, but I’m not the type to settle down.”
“But if money isn’t the problem, then what is?”
“I didn’t expect us to get that involved. I love you and everything, but this is so all of a sudden and permanent.”
“We don’t have to get married, Vaughn. We’ll just live together. We’ll find an apartment and sign a lease, and we can be together all the time. Think about how much fun we’ll have.”
“That does sound like a lot of fun, babe, but what about the future? I see myself in college and tending bar until I graduate. Then, who knows what?”
“But that’s perfect,” Hop said. “There’s no commitment unless we agree to it. And if it makes you feel better, I get a job as a server at the Ascot and work with you. Anything to get out of here.” Her voice broke at the end from the desperation she couldn’t hide any longer.
“We can’t do this,” Vaughn said. “Run away from your problems.”
“Run away from my problems? I want to be with you, Vaughn.”
“Maybe I’m not the guy you want me to be, the guy who takes you away from this.” Vaughn looked around the room.
“I’m not trying to play hero here,” he said. “I’m working nights, crashing in a studio apartment with no AC, eating staff meals because I can’t afford groceries half the time. You leave Ian for me, and suddenly I’m the boyfriend who has to show up for real. And I don’t know if I can be that guy yet.”
Hope’s eyes teared up. “But you said you cared about me.”
“I do,” he said. “A lot. That’s why I’m trying to be honest.”
“Honest?” She laughed bitterly.
His face tensed up, but he didn’t deny it.
“I’m not trying to hurt you,” Vaughn said. “I like what we already have. The time we spend together. It’s easy. It’s fun. No pressure, no fighting, no drama. I don’t want to lose that.”
Hope stared at him, taking it all in.
“So you want me to stay with Ian,” she said, “so that we can keep sneaking around, and you don’t have to commit to anything real.”
“That’s not the nicest way to put it, but, yeah. Pretty much.”
Hope felt the bottom falling out of her plans. The beaches, the irresponsibility, being young again. She sat on the couch in disbelief, then humiliation, and then despair.
“So that’s it?” she said. “That’s all you want from me?”
He looked into her eyes as if she were one of the drunks he was cutting off at last call.
You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.
“I’m not saying never,” he said. “I’m saying, not now. Let’s not blow up what’s good.”
“What’s good for you,” Hope said.
He didn’t argue.
“You were supposed to save me.” But now she knew it wasn’t true.
Vaughn looked down. “I’m not the saving kind.”
The silence that followed was long and suffocating.
Finally, Vaughn cleared his throat and forced a wan smile. “So, can we just enjoy the time we have? Like we always do?”
Hope stared at him, realizing she bet on the wrong horse. There were plenty of men out there, but she chose looks over substance. Vaughn was never going to be anything more than a player. He had certainly played her, like all the other girls before.
She wasn’t the first, and she wouldn’t be the last.
Hope wiped her cheek with the back of her hand, embarrassed she’d let herself cry in front of him. Vaughn moved in close enough to put his arm around her shoulders. His voice dropped into that silky, coaxing vocal pitch he used behind the bar.
“Hey,” he said. “Come on, don’t look at me like that.”
“How else am I supposed to look at you?” Her voice was thin; she was holding back her tears.
“Like you did before we started talking about all this heavy stuff,” he said, forcing a crooked grin. “When you opened the door in that pink dress and almost gave me a heart attack.”
She shook her head. “You can’t joke your way out of this.”
“I’m not trying to joke my way out,” he said. “I’m trying to get us back to where we were five minutes ago. You were excited to see me. I was excited to see you. That was real, Hope. All of it.”
She looked away, then looked around the living room. It was dingier and smaller than ever, as if it were closing in on her.
Vaughn gave her a sideways hug. “Listen. I meant what I said about slowing down. But I didn’t say I’m going anywhere.”
“What do you mean?”
“I want to be with you,” Vaughn said. “I just don’t want us rushing into a disaster. We can do this smart. I’ve been thinking about it.”
“Thinking about what?”
“Us.” He gave her a small smile. “I get off early on Thursdays now. I switched shifts. Means we get real time together. Not just afternoons when you’re tiptoeing around your house, praying Ian doesn’t come home early.”
“You changed your shifts for me?”
“I did.” Vaughn squeezed her hand. And there’s a motel off the Bronx River Parkway. It’s clean, no questions asked, twenty minutes from here. We could go there on Thursdays. No pressure on you. No danger for me. Just us, without the distractions.”
“A motel?”
“Just for now,” he said quickly. “Until you figure things out. You don’t have to decide anything about Ian today. Or next week. Or next month. You move when you’re ready. In the meantime, we get time that’s ours.”
He squeezed her hand again.
“I want that,” he murmured. “Don’t you?”
Hope’s heart was broken. This was it. But what was she expecting from a bartender? A drifter who would be working at some bar or another for the rest of his life.
So, what if this wasn’t the promise of a new life she wanted? It definitely wasn’t the future she had imagined during lonely nights. But it was something.
She wouldn’t be afraid of Ian coming home early. But what excuse would she give for being absent every Thursday night? Her brain worked quickly. She would tell Ian she was volunteering somewhere. That worked.
Her thoughts returned to Vaughn. “So you’re saying we keep seeing each other, but on our own terms?”
“Exactly,” Vaughn said. “We make this work. Together.”
“Okay,” she said. “Yeah. I want that.”
“Good. Because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.”
Her eyes fluttered shut.
And just like that, they were back together. And in the meantime, Hope would be working on a plan of her own making.
Vaughn was not part of her new karmic plan yet. But he would be. She would force him to be.